


The War Within

by Tazza1993



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:50:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9480032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tazza1993/pseuds/Tazza1993
Summary: It's 1914 and Robert Sugden enlisted in the army to make his father proud. Just before he leaves for training, he meets Aaron Dingle. Their feelings for each other go against all the social norms of the times. They face imprisonment if their affair is discovered. But does any of that matter when war could claim Robert's life at any moment?AU Multichapter WW1 Fanfic. It's probably not going to be 100% historically accurate - I'll give you all fair warning.





	1. Prologue

**Prologue (November 1916)**

 

_Aaron had seen a great deal of terrible things during his time on the Western Front. He'd seen countless fellow soldiers die brutally and inhumanely, in ways he'd never even imagined before he'd enlisted. He'd shot enemies in the back of the head, watching skulls shatter before his very eyes. He'd waded through puddles of blood and clambered over friend's bodies to escape beseiged trenches. He was certain that the destruction he'd witnessed would be imprinted on his brain and heart until his dying day._

 

_But by far the worst thing Aaron had ever witnessed was Robert, lying facedown in a trench, with blood pooling from his side._

 

_The last time Robert had been in his eye line, he'd been yelling orders at the two men running beside him. He'd been muddy, blood streaked and exhausted but he'd been alive. And Robert staying alive was Aaron's very reason for existing. His very reason for being here in this nightmarish, inhumane hell hole. Then, Robert had disappeared and the whole time Aaron was shooting he was thinking Robert, Robert, Robert. And now, he was looking down at his still form, in a trench._

 

_Aaron had enlisted to save Robert. He'd never been on the Western Front before, he thought he could keep them both alive. Then, he'd realised that there was no saving anyone in this war - certainly not on the death rigged banks of the Somme. He'd learned to hope that he would die first, that he'd at least die knowing that he'd tried. That he'd died for a cause. Not England, not the King, not liberty. Because England wasn't the land of liberty anyway, not for the likes of him. Aaron was willing to die for the cause of Robert._

 

_Robert dying first had never been an option for Aaron. And because Robert dying had never been an option for Aaron, he hesitates on the brink of the trench. At least if a bullet hit him too, he thought, he'd never have to know whether Robert was dead or alive. He'd never have to turn over Robert's body and realise that there was no life left in his eyes._

 

_"Do you want me to go and look?" There was sympathy in the man standing next to him's eyes. They've all seen friends die on this battlefield. But Robert isn't just Aaron's friend, he's his everything._

 

_"No," Aaron says. He jumps into the trench, feet first, because he doesn't want anyone else to touch Robert. The other man follows him. Aaron wants to protest - wants to do this alone - but how would he explain that? And besides, he doesn't want someone else's death on his conscience._

 

_Aaron takes a deep breath and rolls Robert's still form over._

 

_Aaron can see instantly that he's dead._

 

Aaron woke up with his heart pounding and sweat streaming down his neck. He'd had similar nightmares for months now, but none as vivid as tonight's. He wasn't in France, of course. He was still in Emmerdale, in the place he'd lived his whole life. And Robert was still alive, for now at least. That thought only comforted Aaron very briefly.

 

Because Robert was on the Western Front, without Aaron. And the dread of Robert dying, alone, away from him, haunted Aaron every single day of his life.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was unlike anyone Aaron had ever seen before. Something seemed to separate him from the other men that lined the barn in their little clusters.

** August 1914 **

 

The first time Aaron remembered seeing him was at the annual barn dance. In all likelihood, he'd probably come across him throughout his childhood and teenage years. After all, it was a small village. But there was enough of an age gap between them that they wouldn't have ran in the same circles or played in the same fields together. Later, Aaron would work his way through his memories, trying desperately to remember if he had ever stood in line behind a young Robert Sugden in the village shop or walked past a teenage Robert Sugden playing football in the village fields.

But, on that night - the night of 5th August 1914 - he was just a stranger that Aaron couldn't seem to stop sneaking glances at.

There'd been conflict among the villagers about whether this dance should have gone ahead, considering that England had declared war on Germany just seven days prior. So many men from the village had scrambled to enlist in the armed services, bored of their dreary everyday routines. So many mothers, wives and sisters worried about what this would mean for their families. In the end, it was decided that the village had never been more in need of a morale booster, so the dance was to go ahead.

It happened every year in the village, on the first Saturday in August. People of all ages and backgrounds looked forward to it - Aaron didn't know anyone who didn't attend. It was a chance to dress up, a chance to dance, a chance to drink. Aaron knew most of his friends saw it as an opportunity to find a girl to go steady with. Most of them would never even find the courage to ask a girl to dance. They'd sit on the hay bales that lined the walls, smoking and watching the girls twirl around in their best frocks.

The first time Aaron saw Robert Sugden, he was sitting on the hay bales next to his best friend, Adam. Adam was Aaron's oldest childhood friend. They'd met on their first day in the village school and Adam had joined him working in the fields up at Butler's farm when they'd left at the age of fourteen. Now they milked cows and harvested crops together by day and drank together in the village pub by night. Tonight, Adam had his eye on a pretty brunette in a striking emerald dress.

"Just go and ask her to dance, idiot," laughed Aaron, seeing how taken his friend was by the girl's infectious smile and long, flowing hair. It was one of those rare occasions where Adam heeded his advice.

Aaron was watching them dance alongside the other couples with a smirk, when he saw another man doing the same from the other side of the barn. He was leaning against the wall, with his hands in his trouser pockets. Aaron thought he looked a few years older than himself and Adam, probably around his early twenties. His hair was short and blonde, his eyes striking green and intense. He was wearing dark trousers and a navy shirt, teamed with a brown suit jacket. His tie looked silky and expensive. Aaron watched him watching Adam and the girl, unable to look away for a reason he could not explain.

He was unlike anyone Aaron had ever seen before. Something seemed to separate him from the other men that lined the barn in their little clusters. He was standing entirely separate from the rabble, his posture aloof and confident. Aaron wondered if he was pining over the girl that Adam was dancing with. But Aaron just couldn't see that being the case. She was too carefree and joyful, he was too intense and serious. Aaron wouldn't put them together. Besides, the man didn't look as though he was the pining type. Aaron was sure that if he wanted something, he'd go over and make sure he got it.

The dance ended and Adam and the girl separated. She walked in the direction of the blonde man and Adam watched her as she crossed the barn, before going back over to Aaron.

"She's amazing," Adam gushed, unable to wipe the grin from his face. "Her name's Victoria and her father's Jack Sugden."

Jack Sugden was well known in Emmerdale, being the owner of the biggest farm for miles around. Aaron's heart sank a little, for his friend. It was unlikely that a well off farmer like Jack Sugden would accept his daughter courting a field labourer, like Adam. The usually rigid barriers of social class were forgotten for the duration of the annual barn dance but they would be firmly re-erected in the harsh morning light.

"Looks like she's already spoken for." Aaron nodded in the direction of Victoria and the blond man, who were now deep in conversation. It didn't look like a happy conversation, thought Aaron. Victoria's expression had changed from carefree to frustration.

"No." Adam shook his head. "That's her brother. He's just come home from London for a few weeks. He's just enlisted in the army and wanted to spend some time with his family before he leaves for training."

Aaron tried to look nonchalant at this new information. "You seem to know a lot about her and her family for someone who only met her five minutes ago," he teased.

"That's 'cause it's true love mate," Adam smirked. "Shame, she's too good for me. I doubt she'll so much as look in my direction, in the morning." The reality of the situation didn't seem to have dampened Adam's spirits too much. Adam's endless reserves of good cheer and enthusiasm were some of the things that Aaron liked most about his best friend.

Aaron decided to follow his friend's lead and focus on enjoying the evening. The blond man, who he now knew was a Sugden, was forgotten momentarily.

***

When Adam became a little too exuberant for Aaron's liking, Aaron escaped outside under the pretence of getting some fresh air. Him and Aaron's mother had combined together to try and find Aaron a girl to dance with. His mother was desperate to find him a nice village girl to settle down with. The idea of anything more serious than stepping out a few times with a girl made Aaron feel claustrophobic.

He'd only ever had one proper girlfriend, Jenny. She'd been pretty, fun and good company. He'd liked having somebody to spend Friday evenings with and take home to have dinner with his mother, who had adored her. Behind this very barn where the dance was taking place this evening, they'd lost their virginity together. Aaron had been frightened by how detached he felt from her afterwards. She'd sobbed on his shoulder as she'd told him about her parent's fighting at home and her brother's drinking problem, things she said she'd never told anyone before. Aaron broke her heart a few weeks later by telling her that he didn't think they were right for each other. He'd seen her dancing with Edward Smith at the dance that evening and still felt nothing.

Sometimes Aaron wondered if he was the only nineteen year old in the village who didn't want marriage and babies. Sometimes Aaron wondered if he'd always feel so alone, so different.

Aaron lit up his pipe and wandered around the side of the barn, hoping for a few minutes alone. As the music from the dance became fainter, he heard voices. Voices that were clearly mid argument. He slowed his pace and wondered whether to retrace his steps.

"You're not my father, Rob. You can't tell me what to do!" The female voice was laced with irritation.

"Father told me to look out for you, Victoria." The answering voice was male - placating and even.

Victoria's name piqued Aaron's interest in what he had thought to be a fairly banal argument beforehand. It couldn't be, could it? He stayed where he was, listening silently, against his better judgement and good conscience.

"I'm not being sent home like a child at this time! I'm eighteen years old."

"Your curfew's 10pm, Vic. Andy's waiting at the bottom of the lane to walk you home."

"I don't care! I'm having fun for the first time in ages. I never get to have any fun, Robert! I'm going back inside."

"Victoria, for someone who is eighteen years old, you're acting an awful lot like a child right now!"

"Oh, I wish you'd never come home! You're an absolute nag!"

The girl in the emerald dress stormed around the corner, almost barrelling into Aaron. She didn't stop to apologise, instead taking off in the direction of the lane that led back into the village. Seconds later, her green eyed brother followed her. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Aaron, whose cheeks reddened immediately.

"Sorry, couldn't help overhearing," Aaron mumbled, unable to make eye contact.

Up close, the man - Robert Sugden he supposed - was even more striking. His nose, Aaron couldn't help but notice, was scattered with freckles. Aaron wondered what had gotten into him today. Maybe the war starting, which Aaron had previously felt himself feeling mostly unconcerned by, had affected him more than he had realised. Still, that was no excuse for letting himself feel so interested in a strange man's freckles, was it?

Robert smiled at Aaron, seemingly unfazed by his clumsy attempt at eavesdropping. "Little sisters, huh?" He chuckled.

Aaron could easily have continued to walk around the back of the barn after that comment. He could have continued on his way and Robert would have returned to the party and they would probably never speak again. But, Aaron didn't want the conversation to end just yet.

"Tell me about it," he smirked. He forced himself to look up, look Robert directly in the eye. "I've got one myself. She's a handful. Probably thinks I'm a right nag, too."

The stars were bright in the sky, or perhaps they just seemed brighter than normal to Aaron. He was relieved when Robert leaned back against the wall of the barn, seemingly happy to continue conversing for the time being.

"How old is yours?" Robert asked, taking his own pipe out of his trouser pocket and putting it to his lips.

"Nine," Aaron replied. "She's always giving her teachers cheek and forgetting to come home for dinner on time."

"It only gets harder when they get older," Robert warned, exhaling smoke into the night air. "I don't think it helps much that I've been away for the last couple of years."

"So what brings you back here, now?" Aaron asked, already knowing the answer.

"The war," Robert answered, with a sigh. "I've enlisted, got to report for training in three weeks. I thought I should spend some time with Vic and the rest of my family, before I leave."

There was a moment of brief silence between the two men. It wasn't an uncomfortable sort of silence, Aaron thought. Unusually for him, as someone who was distrustful of strangers, he felt as though he'd known Robert for some time. Perhaps it was the uniting factor of both having to deal with petulant siblings. Perhaps it was just one of those times where two people clicked, naturally. He'd felt an instant feeling of familiarity with Adam too, all those years ago. Maybe he was destined to have a solid friendship with Robert Sugden, as well. Then, he remembered that Robert was a farmer's son, part of a respectable family, whereas Aaron was a mere labourer, in a broken family. The thought saddened him.

"Are you thinking of joining up?" It was Robert who broke the silence, this time.

"My Ma asked me not to," said Aaron. "Said she needs me here."

Aaron had considered joining when he heard the declaration of war on the wireless. He had thought about the chance to see new places - he'd barely been out of Emmerdale his whole life. He'd thought about doing something more worthwhile than growing cabbages for a few months. But his mother had pleaded with him and asked him to think of Liv. They were only a small family, she said, they couldn't afford to lose anybody else. He'd given in easily. He had figured that he wouldn't take to military discipline easily and, besides, Adam was staying in Emmerdale as well.

"It must be nice to have people that need you." Robert's nonchalant mask seemed to slip for the first time. He looked almost sad for a moment, to Aaron. Aaron wanted to ask him what he meant, but it wasn't normal to ask a stranger to bare his soul to you. Aaron was trying so hard to be normal.

The tension was broken as Aaron heard Adam calling his name in the distance.

"That's my mate," he said. "I'd better go." It's for the best, he thought.

Robert smiled, his previous sad expression gone as fast as it had appeared. Aaron was left to wonder if he had imagined it. "See you around," Robert said. "I'm Robert Sugden by the way."

"Aaron Dingle." Aaron replied as he walked away.

***

Later, he saw Robert dancing with a girl. Her fair hair was in plaits and her legs were long and lithe. He had his hand on her back, as he led her around the makeshift dance floor. The girl seemed to be enamoured by him, hanging on to every word he said. Aaron only let himself look at them for a moment, before he returned to stand with Adam, his mother and Liv.

It was a memorable evening, Aaron decided later.

It was memorable because it was perhaps the last piece of normality for a lot of families in the village. Men would be leaving, to fight, soon. Aaron's family would stay intact but so many others would be separated. Like, the Sugdens.

It was memorable because Adam couldn't stop talking about Victoria Sugden and how right it had felt to hold her in his arms.

It was memorable because Aaron laughed and drank until the small hours.

But what Aaron remembered most of all about that evening was Robert Sugden.

Robert had left the dance sometime after midnight, alone. He'd passed Aaron as he had made his way to the door. He'd smiled at him as he'd walked by.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will probably go up early next week.
> 
> Here's some reading relating to this story, if anyone is interested:
> 
> http://vadamagazine.com/features/opinions/homosexuality-first-world-war  
> https://www.k-state.edu/english/westmank/regeneration/homosexuality.swann.html


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He swore that he wouldn't give Robert Sugden another second thought for as long as he lived. After all, Robert Sugden certainly wasn't being kept awake by thoughts of Aaron Dingle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to make it clear that in this story, Gordon didn't sexually abuse Aaron. He's still not the best of guys though - it'll all be explained in coming chapters. This chapter takes place two days after the last one.

It was two days after the dance and Aaron was having a bad day.

 

The liberating atmosphere of that night had evaporated. It was back to everyday life, for Aaron. The days at Butler's were long and hard and only made bearable by Adam's raucous laughter and light-hearted quips. The nights were spent around the kitchen table with his mother and Liv or in the Woolpack, surrounded by the same, inescapable faces. Years of the same dreary routine stretched out in front of Aaron with no alternative in sight. He'd always have his family to support. Soon, if his mother got her way, he'd have the additional responsibility of a wife.

 

On days like these, Aaron found himself so caught up in his own thoughts that he was often unable to concentrate on the world around him. He felt trapped in the village, wanting to be anywhere else other than in Emmerdale. He felt suffocated by how much his mother and Liv needed him. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream. As usual, he'd managed to take out his mood on his mother. He'd snapped at her with very little reason, leading to tears filling her eyes and reproach on Liv's face. He'd apologise later, he decided. At that moment, he just needed a little fresh air.

 

He wandered up the country lane that wound out of the village, up past Butler's Farm, his hands in his trouser pockets and his feet scuffing the ground. He turned a sharp corner and, for the second time in just over forty eight hours, he almost bumped into Victoria Sugden. She was kneeling on the ground, with groceries scattered around her. She had a loaf of bread tucked under her left arm. Aaron automatically bent down and picked up the bags, before offering her a hand. She took it and he helped her to her feet.

 

"Thank you," she said, giving him a small smile. "I overestimated how much I could carry, I guess."

 

Now he was seeing her up close, Aaron could understand why Adam had taken such a liking to her. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were large and expressive. Not unlike her brother's, Aaron couldn't help thinking. But more importantly, her face radiated warmth and kindness. Even in his current state of mind, Aaron couldn't help but return her smile. He handed her bags back over to her and watched as her fingers almost lost purchase on them again instantly.

 

"How come you've ended up lumbered with your whole family's shopping?" He tried not to laugh.

 

"Oh, I offered," she replied. "I decided it was a small price to pay to escape from my brothers' bickering for an hour."

 

Aaron remembered his own desperation to get away from his mother's well intentioned remarks and Liv's gripes about having to help prepare dinner. "Families, huh?" He rolled his eyes with a grin.

 

"They're the worst," Victoria agreed. "I've seen you around the village, with your sister. You're Aaron Dingle, right?"

 

"Yeah, how do you know that?"

 

"Small village. People talk." It was Victoria's turn to roll her eyes.

 

Aaron realised that a scandal as big as the one that had taken place in his family would naturally have piqued the interest of everyone in the village. Such juicy gossip would even have spread as far as the Sugdens. He wondered just how much they knew. He shook the thoughts away before he could become overwhelmed by bitterness.

 

"Let me help you get your shopping home," he offered.

 

"Okay, thank you." Victoria gave him another warm smile as she allowed him to take one of her bags.

 

He told himself that he would have extended the same courtesy to any struggling girl his path might have crossed with. And he probably would have. The opportunity to catch a glimpse of Robert Sugden during that good deed was just an added perk.

 

***

 

Aaron was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to talk to Victoria as they ambled towards her family's farm. Aaron wasn't used to much interaction with people from families with money. His only interaction with Mr. Sandhurst at Butler's involved him handing Aaron his earnings at the end of the week or barking orders in his direction. His mother said it was a similar scenario with the Whites up at Home Farm when she cleaned for them. But Victoria didn't talk down to Aaron - in fact, she seemed as though she was enjoying his company.

 

They were only five minutes away from the Sugden's farm when she broached the topic of the night of the dance. "I know you overheard mine and Robert's argument the other night," she said. "I bet you think I'm quite the little brat?" She laughed, letting Aaron know that she thought he was well within his rights to think as much.

 

"Not at all," Aaron reassured her. "My own sister's prone to the odd tantrum." He couldn't help but tease her a little. There was something about Victoria, that reminded Aaron of Liv.

 

"I didn't mean what I said to him." Victoria's smile dimmed a little.

 

"He's your brother, he'll understand."

 

"How did you know Robert's my brother?" Victoria's eyes widened a little.

 

Aaron considered telling her  his and Robert's conversation in the night air, after she'd bolted. He decided against it almost immediately. Although the conversation between himself and Robert had been perfectly normal - just two village boys talking about their respective siblings - Aaron felt as though there had been something private about it. He wanted to keep Robert's quiet words a secret.

 

"Small village. People talk." He echoed her words from earlier.

 

It wasn't necessarily a lie.

 

***

 

Aaron left Victoria once they were in eyesight of the front door of the farmhouse. She thanked him as he turned to walk away. When he glanced back to wave at her, he was sure he could make out a tall, blond figure by the side of the house. He kept walking in the opposite direction, not stopping long enough to know for sure. He couldn't help but feel a flutter of disappointment. As much as he told himself that it didn't matter, Aaron had wanted to see those green eyes up close once again. He wondered if they'd still look so vivid after a few months of fighting the Germans. Maybe he'd never know, perhaps he wouldn't return at all. His own thoughts unsettled Aaron.

 

He'd only been walking for a few minutes when he heard quick footsteps behind him. He knew it would be Robert, prayed it would be Robert.

 

He spun around and was met with wind blown blond hair and angry green eyes. The crisp, white shirt he was wearing made his skin look even paler than it had been in the moonlight on Saturday.

 

"Do you want to court my sister?" Robert's voice was loud - it echoed across the quiet country lane. He stopped a few metres away from Aaron, glaring.

 

"What?" Aaron was genuinely perplexed.

 

"You heard," Robert snapped. "You keep turning up wherever she is. I heard you both laughing together!"

 

"I was helping her carry her bread!" Aaron's voice rose in response.

 

"A likely story." Robert let out a huff of breath. Aaron noticed they'd stepped closer to each other. He found himself inexplicably looking at Robert's lips, even as his words enraged him. "You're not good enough for her. You're dirt poor and don't even have a proper family. My father won't tolerate it and neither will I!"

 

Robert's words felt like a punch to the gut to Aaron. "Well at least my family can stand to be around me," he growled in retaliation. "Why do you think she even needed my help in the first place? Because she couldn't stand to be around you for a moment longer."

 

"Don't ever come near me or my family again." Robert snarled, pointing a finger at Aaron empathetically.

 

"Gladly!"

 

Robert stormed back towards the farm, leaving Aaron both furious and dumbstruck. His bad day just seemed to be getting worse.

 

***

 

Aaron lay in bed that night and wondered why the words of a relative stranger had stuck with him so stubbornly. He'd replayed the whole scene in his head over and over again as he had picked at his dinner and soaked in the bathtub. It was not as though Aaron was a stranger to confrontation. He'd found himself pulled into shouting matches to defend his mother's honour many times in the aftermath of his father leaving. Once or twice, he'd even thrown a punch or two.

 

The truth hurt, Aaron supposed. Although he had no romantic interest in Victoria, he would never be good enough to associate with any of the Sugdens. There was a reason why he'd lived in Emmerdale for nineteen long years and never uttered two words to any member of the Sugden family prior to last weekend. He was, as Robert had pointed out, dirt poor and from a broken family. He would only ever be good enough to work their fields and gossip about when they passed him in the street.

 

He felt embarrassed that he'd let himself believe that Robert and himself had made a connection the night of the dance. How could they have? They were from two different worlds. A friendship between them would have been as likely as a cat befriending a mouse. Yes, they both had nuisance kid sisters. But, one of those younger sisters would have to leave school at fourteen and scrub pantries for a living, whereas the other would live a life of comfort and idleness. Aaron couldn't believe he'd let himself be fooled by a brief, friendly conversation in the dark of the night.

 

And Robert himself had shown his true colours, as far as Aaron was concerned. His words had been callous and cruel and deliberately tailored to hurt Aaron. Aaron had been on the receiving end of that particular brand of cruelty before, from his so-called father, and he saw it as the mark of a spiteful, mean spirited person. Robert had deserved every angry word that Aaron had spat out in reply. He swore that he wouldn't give Robert Sugden another second thought for as long as he lived. After all, Robert Sugden certainly wasn't being kept awake by thoughts of Aaron Dingle.

 

***

 

People seemed to be whispering about the war everywhere Aaron turned nowadays. Women stood in clusters around the village, discussing who had enlisted and which men hadn't as of yet. Aaron wondered how long it would take before his courage was brought into question. What was worse than being dirt poor and the product of a broken, shamed family, he thought to himself? Perhaps a cowardly, dirt poor man from a broken family.

 

Aaron was terrified of the changes that war would bring to his life. Nobody knew what was going to happen, nobody knew the far reaching consequences that war would bring. Yet, he was more frightened by the idea that the war might not change his life at all. Maybe other people would make sacrifices and miss their families and risk their lives, while his life continued in the same vein as it always had. Aaron was frightened of being frightened, and it was only nine days since the declaration of war had been made.

 

He didn't go home straight after work, he wanted to make the most of the last few weeks of summer. He was dawdling outside of the village shop, debating whether to go in and buy a lollipop for Liv, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

 

"Aaron." Aaron recognised the voice at once.

 

He turned around to face him, shrugging the hand away. Robert's shoulders were hunched and his brow was furrowed. He looked unsure of himself, Aaron thought. Aaron was momentarily taken aback because he'd never seen Robert look anything other than completely confident before.

 

"What are you doing here?" Aaron felt no less angry than he had the day before.

 

"I followed you," Robert admitted, pushing his hair back off his face with one hand.

 

"And I thought I was the stalker," Aaron snapped.

 

He turned to walk away before they found themselves repeating yesterday's mistakes. He only stopped when he heard Robert speak again, his voice softer this time. "I don't want you to be angry with me, Aaron," he said.

 

Aaron stopped because the realisation that he didn't want Robert to be angry with him either hit him suddenly and inexplicably. He wondered why it mattered to Robert whether or not Aaron was livid with him? After all, they barely knew each other. One conversation after a few drinks and an argument in a country lane was hardly a testament to a beautiful friendship. But then, he would have to ask himself the same question. And Aaron knew he wasn't ready for the answer, yet.

 

"Why does it matter?" Aaron sighed. "I thought you never wanted me near you again?"

 

"I didn't mean it," Robert said quietly. "I just lash out sometimes. I was just having a bad day."

 

"Well you weren't the only one having a bad day, Robert," Aaron muttered.

 

"Sorry," Robert murmured. For some reason, Aaron knew that he believed him.

 

He stood outside the village shop, faced with the same choice he'd been met with around the back of the barn three days ago. He could walk away and perhaps they'd never speak again. Aaron knew from the whispered conversations around the village that it wouldn't be long until Robert left the village to begin his training. A fortnight at most.

 

"C'mon, I'll show you where I go, when I'm having a bad day."

 

Aaron made his choice. He wondered if he was destined to repeat the same mistakes, over and over again. At that moment in time, he didn't care.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've never brought anyone out here before." 
> 
> "So why did you bring me, then?" Robert asked. Aaron couldn't decipher the look in Robert's eyes.
> 
> "I don't know," Aaron confessed.

There was a bridge nestled among the trees, fifteen minutes away from the village. The first time Aaron had fled to it for solace, his father had just left and he had spent the evening comforting his distraught mother and a bewildered four year old Liv. The soothing sound of the water flowing beneath him had been a stark contrast to the gasping sobs of his mother at home. He had felt like the only person in the entire world as he'd huddled, with his head buried in his knees, on the hard ground. It was a place for crying uncontrollably so you could go back home and be strong for your family. It was a place for howling with long suppressed rage when everything became too overwhelming. It was a place for thinking when you wanted to be alone - just you and your racing mind. It was a place for Aaron, and only Aaron.

 

In all the times Aaron had sought out the bridge, he had never brought another soul with him. Not Adam. Not Liv. Certainly not Jenny. Nor, had he ever come across another person during his time there. He knew other people must know about its existence, of course. Yet, the bridge always seemed to be miraculously devoid of human life when Aaron needed it. He wasn't sure what had made him bring Robert here. Maybe it was something about the unmistakeable expression of genuine regret in Robert's eyes as the apology had fallen from his lips. Maybe it was because, no matter how much simpler it would have made things, Aaron hadn't been able to walk away from Robert. Maybe it was something about the way Aaron felt when he was around Robert.

 

The walk to the bridge seemed a little hazy around the edges to Aaron, almost dreamlike. He focused on the sound of the damp grass crunching beneath his feet as Robert walked close beside him. They didn't say much - they didn't need to. Aaron asking Robert to follow him and Robert following without question had told them both everything that they needed to know. It felt like the beginning of something. A friendship? A secret? Something else altogether? Neither of them knew exactly what they were committing themselves to but they leapt blindly into the void despite the unknown.

 

The bridge was dappled in the early evening light. The flow of the river underneath it was slow and steady and the leaves of the trees that bordered it were gloriously green. It looked picturesquely beautiful, to Aaron. It looked like a secret. A secret he was sharing with Robert Sugden.

 

"I come here when I want to be alone," said Aaron.

 

"But you don't want to be alone today?" Robert raised an eyebrow and the shadow of a grin flitted across his features.

 

"No," Aaron shrugged, with a small answering smile.

 

Aaron began to wander across the bridge, stopping somewhere around the middle. He stood, looking out over the water, his elbows resting on the wooden rails. Robert came out to join him, mirroring Aaron's posture. They gazed out across the river together, the village looked small from here. It was one of the reasons why Aaron liked this spot so much. It seemed as though he had momentarily escaped from the burden of other peoples' expectations when he came here. If there was no one to see you, it didn't matter who you were.

 

"This is my favourite spot in Emmerdale." It was the first time Aaron had ever spoken on this bridge. He'd screamed out in frustration and sighed from exhaustion, but never spoken.

 

"It's not in Emmerdale, technically," Robert pointed out.

 

"Exactly," Aaron let out a little laugh.

 

Robert looked up at him from under his eyelashes and chuckled. The sound inexplicably made Aaron's heart skip a beat. "I can't seem to help noticing, you don't seem to like it all that much in the village." The way Robert said it made it sound like a statement, not a question.

 

"Everyone in everyone else's business. People staring. People judging. No one ever daring to do anything unexpected. What's not to like?" Aaron muttered, sarcasm dripping from every syllable.

 

"Why do you stay then?" Robert asked.

 

"Because of my 'ma and my sister. They may not be a proper family but they're still my responsibility."

 

Robert's angry words from the day before hung between them. "I had no right to say that about your family. I'm sorry," he said softly.

 

"I know," Aaron replied just as softly.

 

"Do you want to talk about your family?" Robert offered tentatively.

 

"No, not yet. Maybe one day." Aaron's words were hopeful. They hinted at the idea that maybe himself and Robert would stand side by side on this bridge time and time again, trying to voice things that were difficult to say out loud.

 

Aaron himself had difficulty coming to terms with his family situation. He knew that himself and Liv were an object of pity in the village for having a father that had packed up his things and never looked back one dark day in October five years ago. In a village full of perfect family units - mother, father, children - this was enough to mark them out as glaringly different. In Emmerdale, unless your father died, he stayed and raised his family. Aaron didn't know how to tell Robert that he had wanted his father to leave - in fact, he had more or less drove him to it. He didn't want to have to tell Robert that his father had always been a cruel, spiteful bully. He certainly didn't want to relive that night where his mother had made her shocking confession. He didn't want to remember his father's bloodied fists, or his mother's yelps of pain, or his own uncontrollable fury. Most of all, he didn't want to tell Robert the whole sorry story because he would never look at Aaron the same way again.

 

"I've never brought anyone out here before." Aaron could not bring himself to admit to his family situation but he could, at least, give Robert this.

 

"So why did you bring me, then?" Robert asked. Aaron couldn't decipher the look in Robert's eyes.

 

"I don't know," Aaron confessed.

 

Aaron and Robert stared at each other in the diminishing daylight for an immeasurable period of time. The longer they looked at each other, the more Aaron began to suspect that his subconscious had asked Robert to follow him here so he could admire the green of his eyes once again. Robert was all green, green eyes, freckles and long eyelashes. Aaron knew there was something wrong and odd about dwelling on such details but they weren't in the village now - they were on the bridge, his bridge. The one place where he didn't have to pretend.

 

Robert placed a hand on Aaron's forearm and let it rest there for a moment. Aaron held his breath without realising. "I'm glad you brought me here." Robert made his own admission. He moved his hand away again and Aaron exhaled.

 

There was another comfortable silence. Aaron realised how nice it could be just to be silent in another person's company. Adam, his mother, Liv - they were all big talkers. Robert was different, a new experience for Aaron. Aaron found himself wanting to figure him out, like he was a complicated puzzle that he wanted to excel at.

 

"You were really angry yesterday," Aaron stated.

 

"Yeah." Robert took his hands off the rails of the bridge and pushed them into his jacket pockets. "I'd had a really bad day."

 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Aaron asked quietly.

 

There was a moment of hesitation before Robert spoke. "Do you ever feel like nothing you do is ever good enough?" He huffed out a breath and stared across the water.

 

Aaron let out a dark laugh. "All the time."

 

"Me too," Robert sighed. "My brother's the perfect one in my family. He's the one that will carry on my father's livelihood. He's the one who always gets it right. Just once, I once wanted to be the one to make him proud. But it still wasn't enough for him."

 

Aaron remembered looking at Robert across the barn not so long ago and seeing a man who projected an aura of security and self confidence. Aaron remembered thinking that this was a man who would not allow himself to be denied anything. Except now, it seemed, Robert had been denied the one thing that he desired above everything else - his father's belief and pride.

 

"How do you know it wasn't enough?" Aaron wanted to delve deeper into the puzzle that was Robert Sugden.

 

"Because he said as much," Robert whispered. "He said I should be here, with my brother, helping the farm to flourish, not gallivanting off to France. I thought he'd want me to fight for England. I wanted him to think I was brave - that's why I enlisted. But he said I was running away - running away like I always do." The pain in Robert's eyes was obvious.

 

Aaron didn't have a father anymore. He had never had a proper one - a one who would care about what Aaron did with his life - anyway. His father had been far too preoccupied with lager and violence, struggling to hold down a job of his own. He didn't know what it was like to desire a father's respect because Aaron had hated his own father. However, like Robert, Aaron knew a whole lot about not feeling like he was good enough. Not good enough to earn enough money to give Liv a decent future and stop his mother from having to get up at 5am each morning to light the White's fires. Not good enough to make his mother smile again. Not good enough to stop the loaded whispers and giggles that followed Liv across the school yard. He knew how not feeling good enough could eat away at you, until you felt as though you were all ragged inside.

 

"Well I think you're brave." Aaron couldn't stop himself from saying the words. "For what it's worth," he added quickly. He felt his cheeks redden.

 

Robert looked up at Aaron and smiled. "Thanks," he said. "But no one else thinks so."

 

"Your father's not the only one in your family, Robert," Aaron pointed out.

 

Robert smirked, the rest of his family obviously not as raw of a topic as his father. Aaron filed away that information in his head, for later. "Let's say my brother and I don't see eye to eye. Vic's grown up while I was in London and now I don't know how to talk to her. My mother's sick of all the arguments. I have no one that's on my side."

 

Aaron took a moment to work out what to say. "Well, now you have a bridge," he eventually found the words.

 

Robert smiled, the atmosphere lightening again. "Well, that's something, I guess."

 

***

 

Aaron did not want to leave his haven but he knew that his mother would be wondering where he had gotten to. He also knew that someone would have to cajole Liv into learning her nine times tables before she ended up in bother at school again. The horizon was beginning to turn red - the beginning of what Aaron could tell would be a glorious sunset.

 

They walked back the way they had came, relaxed in each other's company. Aaron had to adjust his walking pace to match Robert's long legged stride. Robert noticed and slowed down a little. Aaron tried not to smile when he noticed.

 

They were at the point where they needed to take different paths to get to their respective homes when Aaron worked up the courage to say what had been playing on his mind.

 

"I'm not interested in your sister you know," Aaron mumbled. "Not like how you meant it anyway." Aaron's cheeks reddened again and he wondered why he was suddenly more prone to blushing than a thirteen year old girl.

 

Robert smirked, once again becoming the self confident man that Aaron had taken him to be last week. Why did he have to be one or the another, Aaron was suddenly hit with a realisation. He could be self confident and vulnerable, depending on the situation. Robert Sugden was many, many different things, Aaron realised.

 

"I know," Robert said, still smirking.

 

Aaron knew that they were standing much closer than was necessary for two friends, saying their goodbyes for the evening. He felt as though he was rooted to the spot. There was a beat of silence.

 

"I'm glad you're not interested in my sister." Robert spoke again, his smirk becoming even bigger.

 

If they moved their faces just a few inches closer, they would be touching, Aaron thought. He tried to shake away the thoughts but couldn't quite manage it. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't seem to find the words. Instead, he turned to walk away from Robert, back to the village and everything that came with it.

 

"Bye, Robert," he said, smiling.

 

"Aaron?"

 

Aaron looked over his shoulder.

 

"You're wrong, you know." Robert laughed. The look in his eyes was challenging.

 

"About what?" Aaron dared to ask.

 

"About no one in this village daring to do anything unexpected." Robert's grin was devilish.

 

He turned and went on his way with a wink and it took Aaron thirty seconds or so to gather his wits enough to continue walking in the opposite direction.

 

***

 

Aaron thought about Robert Sugden as he lay in bed, for the second night in a row. Once again, he was angry but this time the anger was directed towards himself, not Robert. Aaron had looked at Robert's lips today as they had readied themselves to say goodbye and he had wanted to kiss them. He had wanted to kiss a man.

 

Aaron had known for several years now that he didn't feel the same way about girls as his friends did. Sure, he enjoyed girls' company and he didn't find kissing them particularly unpleasant. But as his friends had hit adolescence and started to throw around crass remarks about the pertness of certain girls' breasts and the curves of their bottoms, Aaron had realised that he had no desire to see any girl naked. Taking Jenny's virginity behind the barn had only clarified what Aaron already knew. He had appreciated her body in an abstract way, and known that other men would like what they saw, but he hadn't lusted for it.

 

He had known for sure when he had been waiting in Adam's kitchen last summer. Adam's cousin, Ross, had travelled up from Leeds to stay with Adam and his family for a few days. He'd emerged from the bathroom with just a towel loosely wrapped around his waist. And Aaron had known that he wanted to touch Ross' toned form much more than he had ever wanted to cup a girl's breast. Aaron had known then that this part of him existed but he had accepted that he would have to bury it deep down for the rest of his life. He had to for his family's sake because, god knows, his family had faced enough shame to last them a lifetime. He had to for Adam's sake because his reputation would be tainted by suspicion just for being Aaron's friend. He had to for his own sake because Aaron knew he wouldn't be able to survive in prison.

 

Aaron knew he couldn't ever know what Robert would taste like.

 

But he also knew that he wanted to know more than he had ever wanted anything in his entire life.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Aaron?" Robert repeated, his eyes glinting dangerously. 
> 
> Suddenly, Aaron knew that he had been incredibly wrong when he had lamented the fact that he would never get to taste Robert Sugden. He was about to taste Robert Sugden and in the moment he couldn't have cared less about the consequences.
> 
> "Prove it," whispered Aaron, knowing that this was the point of no return.

Aaron was worried about Liv. Her moods seemed to be becoming progressively more erratic with every passing day. One moment she would be noticeably quiet, giving the impression of being caught up in her own head. Aaron would be left to ponder what in the world a nine year old could be thinking about with such intensity, her brow furrowed as she sat silently. Then, before he had even had the time to broach the subject, she would be acting out. Admittedly, Liv had never exactly been angelic. She had inherited Aaron's swift temper and knack for cheeky quips. Yet, she was now displaying new found levels of misbehaviour. Two days ago she had not come home for dinner - it was almost dark by the time she had appeared at the house. The day before that, which was also coincidentally the day after Aaron had taken Robert to the bridge, she had tossed her mother's sewing into the filled bathtub, in the midst of a temper tantrum.

 

Aaron had always harboured a close relationship with his little sister. He had spent his late childhood and early adolescent years shielding her from their father's alcohol induced rages and sharp, nasty tongue. As his home life had become darker and more frightening, Aaron had looked forward to Liv's innocent laughter and clumsy attempts at toddler based mischief. Then, the awful truth had been spilled, their father had disappeared for good and Aaron's need to protect Liv had increased tenfold. He wasn't going to allow his parents' mistakes to damage Liv. Not if he could help it.

 

"Something's up with her, 'Ma," Aaron shared his concerns with his mother, as he watched Liv disappear out of the front door, coat in hand, on her way to school.

 

"It will be nothing, love." Chas patted her son's arm as she passed him in the kitchen. It was Thursday, the one morning she didn't work for the Whites. On Thursdays, she sewed instead. Today, her sewing load had doubled, thanks to Liv's bathroom antics. "It will all blow over."

 

"But what if it doesn't?" Aaron remained unconvinced.

 

***

 

Liv was sitting on the playing field, her fingers threading daisy chains, as Aaron walked past her on his way home from work. Her plaited hair shone in the sunlight, her dress was marred by slight green stains from the grass. He stopped in front of her, frowning. To an impartial observer the two of them looked so different that no one would ever guess they were siblings. Aaron's dark hair and broad shoulders contrasted sharply again Liv's slight stature, pale blonde hair and fair skin that was prone to catching the sun. Still, there was something alike in the stubborn set of their faces and the slight downturn of their lips.

 

Aaron realised that his sister appeared just as troubled as he himself felt. But, he was an adult, all too aware of the looming war and all the troubles that it would bring. Rationing, price increases, deaths, conscription - these were all whispers that had echoed through the village over the past week or so. Liv was nine year old child who should be shielded from such things, he thought.

 

"You're getting good at making those things." Aaron gestured towards the daisy chain hanging from Liv's hands.

 

"I guess," she shrugged non committedly.

 

"Come on, you. Let's go to shop - I'll buy you some sweets," Aaron suggested.

 

A shadow of a smile flitted across Liv's face as Aaron helped her to her feet. He threw an arm around her and they walked into the village together. Liv remained quieter than was normal for Aaron's chatty, spirited sibling. He tried to remember when this change in her mood might have come about. Was she quiet before the night of the barn dance? Aaron struggled to remember and he internally berated himself for letting himself become distracted by other things over the last fortnight. Beautiful, sinful things. Tall, devilish, grinning distractions that sent Aaron's mind into a spin with brooding words and fleeting touches.

 

The distraction in question was leaning against the wall of the village shop, his own sister in tow. Aaron only allowed himself to be thrown momentarily, giving the two of them a nod of acknowledgement and a half smile. He had only caught a brief glimpse of Robert since that day on the bridge. Robert and Andy had been leaving the pub, just as Aaron and Adam had slipped through the front door of the Woolpack. Aaron's lower arm had accidentally brushed against Robert's chest as the two duos had passed each other. Aaron hadn't spoken - he hadn't wanted to raise any awkward questions from Adam. He felt as though he was in the throes of some sort of illicit affair. All they'd done was talk.

 

So why was Aaron guarding his interactions with Robert like a scandalous secret?

 

Because Robert shouldn't have had anything to talk about with a farm labourer like Aaron.

 

Because Aaron didn't want anyone to intrude on their private conversations.

 

Because Aaron had wanted to kiss Robert in the fading daylight.

 

"Hi, Aaron. We meet again." Aaron was surprised that Victoria was seemingly comfortable enough to speak to Aaron in such a public setting, although he knew that he probably shouldn't be. Victoria was unmistakably nice and her warmth knew no social boundaries. Aaron nodded in acknowledgement once more at the Sugden siblings. He couldn't bring himself to look at Robert - he felt as though his eyes would betray the fact that he couldn't stop thinking about him. It was safer for him to keep his eyes on the affable natured Victoria. Victoria walked into the village shop, leaving Robert lingering by the entrance, momentarily breaking Aaron's internal turmoil.

 

He was digging in his pocket for the change required for Liv's promised sweet treats when he noticed his younger sister stiffen beneath his arm. He glanced down at her and watched her facial expression change from relaxed to obvious agitation. She fled before he could so much as utter a verbal protest. All Aaron could do was stare at her vanishing form - heading back in the direction of Butler's - as he shuffled to allow a group of young girls to pass him. They were giggling, seemingly carefree, which struck Aaron as a glaring contrast to his evidently troubled sibling.

 

He sensed Robert approaching before he saw him. Aaron was unable to explain his connection with Robert concisely. He felt as though he was experiencing something that he previously wouldn't even have imagined existed. It was as if his skin prickled whenever Robert was in speaking distance. And that wasn't even mentioning the way his heart would begin to work overtime, so much so that Aaron could feel his pulse throbbing within his throat.

 

"Aaron?" At the sound of his name on Robert's lips, Aaron finally garnered the courage to look the man in question in the eyes. And what eyes they were, Aaron thought.

 

"I don't know what's wrong with her," Aaron muttered, still in shock at his sister's sudden disappearance.

 

Robert seemed to know what Aaron was referring to, regardless of the lack of accompanying explanation. "I think I know what you need," whispered Robert.

 

"Yeah, what's that?" Aaron managed to ask.

 

"The bridge." Robert made the words seem like a delicious secret. Aaron almost shivered as he processed them. He wondered if he was imagining the almost teasing intention behind Robert's whispers. "I'll meet you where we said goodbye the other day, in twenty minutes."

 

This time, Aaron didn't decide to act upon Robert's words. It was almost instinctive to do as he asked.

 

***

 

They never made it to the bridge.

 

The adrenaline from the last few day's emotional rollercoaster with Liv hit Aaron as soon as they reached the shelter of the first lot of trees once they had veered from the marked path. His hands were shaking unmistakably and his knuckles were clenched. Robert put a hand on his shoulder, halting him to a standstill. Aaron could make out the faint swooshing of the river if he concentrated hard enough. He tried to focus on the sound in order to calm his breathing.

 

"Aaron?" It was almost an echo of the way he had uttered his name twenty minutes prior.

 

"Stop saying my name like that!" Aaron protested, running his hand through his own unruly hair. His emotions were running too high for him to maintain his usual verbal filter.

 

"How am I saying your name?" A half smirk flitted across Robert's lips.

 

"Like I mean something to you!" Aaron snapped, feeling as though he was veering into free fall.

 

Robert stared at Aaron, his eyes vivid and bright. Aaron couldn't identify the emotion in them. Bewilderment? Disgust? Indecision? _Lust?_ His mouth was slightly ajar and his jacket was askew on his shoulders. Aaron's back was still to the tree and Robert faced him. There were trees and green shrubbery as far as the eye could see. Aaron was reminded of the old fairy tales his mother used to read him before he went to sleep - Hansel and Gretel lost in the woods, finding something they couldn't resist. But now it was Aaron and Robert lost in the woods, accidentally stumbling across their own downfall.

 

"Aaron?" Robert repeated, his eyes glinting dangerously. And, then, Aaron knew that there was nothing accidental about what was happening.

 

Suddenly, Aaron knew that he had been incredibly wrong when he had lamented the fact that he would never get to taste Robert Sugden. He was about to taste Robert Sugden and in the moment he couldn't have cared less about the consequences.

 

"Prove it," whispered Aaron, knowing that this was the point of no return.

 

Robert closed the last few inches between himself and Aaron, until they were close enough to feel each other's heartbeats through sheer proximity alone. It was Robert that pressed their lips together, hard, and Aaron responded instantly. Robert's lips were soft and warm on his and Aaron fisted a hand into his blond hair to keep him there. Robert groaned, pushing Aaron's back into the tree they were sheltering beneath and placing his big hands on the broad tree trunk, on either side of Aaron's head. Aaron was completely surrounded by Robert. They kissed without apology, hard and bruising. Aaron wondered if this was what it felt like to do what you wanted, discarding the consequences. It felt like momentary freedom.

 

When Robert pulled his lips away, he kept his hands where they were, essentially pinning Aaron to the trunk of the tree. It took Aaron a moment to catch his breath. "Robert," he huffed out after a moment.

 

Robert's eyes were soft and teasing as he replied. "Stop saying my name like that."

 

"Like what?" Aaron couldn't help but laugh.

 

"Like I've just given you the best kiss of your life," Robert smirked.

 

"Who says that was the best kiss of my life?" Aaron teased back, his eyes shining.

 

"Are you saying it wasn't?"

 

"I'm saying, you'll never be able to make me tell."

 

"Oh, yeah? I can think of ways to twist your arm," Robert breathed. He made as though to lean in and kiss him again. But Aaron knew without a doubt that if he continued to kiss Robert - here, where they could feasibly remain unseen for hours - he would never be able to bring himself to tear their lips apart.

 

"Hey," Aaron said, pushing Robert away gently, "I thought we came out here to talk about my sister."

 

Robert took a step backwards, still smiling down at Aaron. "Well, that was my original intention."

 

And just as Aaron opened his mouth to speak, he heard a familiar voice echo through the trees.

 

"That's not true!"

 

Aaron knew it was Liv with utter certainty. Her words were shrill and strung with pain. He began to move through the trees, towards the voice, before he even realised what he was doing.

 

"You know it's true, or you wouldn't be crying!" The answering voice is also young, female. "You're nothing. A little bastard that nobody wants. A snivelling, nobody with no real family, except for a whore of a mother!"

 

He heard raucous giggles and realised that there was more than one person taunting his sister. He was running before it even registered that he was doing so. The voices were coming from the river and Liv was crying and she was having cruel jibes thrown at her like missiles.

 

"I do have a family! I have my brother!" Liv spat out, in between sobs.

 

There was an answering laugh, high and shrill. "He's not even your real brother. You're nothing but a burden to him!"

 

Aaron cleared the trees and suddenly he could see his sister. He took in the scene with one quick glance. Liv had her back to the river with four girls in a loose semi circle around her, baying for blood. He instantly recognised them as the group of girls that had passed him less than a hour before, back in Emmerdale. Her hair was starting to unravel from her plaits, strands falling into her face. And as Aaron started to make towards her, he watched her take another step back, presumably trying to put distance between herself and her tormentors. Aaron knew what was about to happen before it did. To his horror, he couldn't do a thing to prevent it, as Liv lost her footing on the muddy terrain and slipped into the river.

 

He was shouting as he sprinted over the riverbank but he didn't know what he was saying. Then, Robert was right behind him, shouting too. The group of girls stared in horror, shrinking back.

 

"Liv! Liv!" Aaron yelled, his voice shrill with panic.

 

He could see his sister, being dragged by the current, her head still aloft for the time being.

 

"Aaron!" She screamed back.

 

Aaron looked at Robert, horror etched into his features. "I can't swim!" And his groan of pain was agonising to his own ears.

 

There was a moment of brief hesitation. Then, for the second time in less than a minute, Aaron watched in horror as someone he cared about went into the river.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to settle into updating every Sunday.
> 
> I'm on tumblr (tazza1993) if you want to come and find me. I mostly just reblog Robron stuff and lose my head over them.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Robert..." Aaron almost stuttered. "Thank you. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't been there..." His voice trailed off, unable to bear thinking about the worst case scenario.

It had rained last night, Aaron thought in panic. The water looked angry, from where he stood. He imagined it swallowing his sister whole. He imagined having to explain what had happened to his mother. He imagined a funeral with a child sized coffin. He imagined it all with barely suppressed tears in his eyes and shaking hands.

 

Aaron was no stranger to watching people he loved flirt with death. As he watched from the river bank, his feet almost rooted to the spot, he felt as though he was forever doomed to do nothing more than stare - a helpless bystander - while people fought for their lives around him. As a child, he had stood by as his mother had been used as a punching bag by Gordon. Sometimes he had placed big, meaty hands around her throat and choked the breath out of her. Aaron had clenched his fists and bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, burdened with the knowledge that his father was bigger, tougher and meaner than him. He had not been able to save his mother, back then. She might have escaped death but she had her fiery spirit knocked out of her time and time again until she was a shell of the mother that Aaron remembered. Even years later, on that night that both his mother and Liv had been in danger, Aaron had not been able to calm the situation. In fact, he had succeeded only in making everything worse.

 

Now, he stared haplessly as Robert reached Liv. He said something to her, something that Aaron was unable to make out over the rush of the water. Robert turned on to his back and pulled Liv to his chest, one broad arm wrapped around her tightly. He began to kick furiously, the current continuing to work against him and drag them both further downstream. Aaron's heart thudded furiously in his chest. At that moment, Aaron knew beyond certainty that it was a very real possibility that they could both die in the cold, hungry water. The most constant person in his life and the newest, most exciting, that made him feel things that he had never felt before. Right then, for perhaps the first time in years, Aaron realised that he had a lot to lose.

 

Robert was making steady progress but Aaron could see that the weight of Liv was taking its toll on him. Unable to bear merely watching, Aaron began to wade into the water. It was up to his knees, the force of the water almost knocking him off his feet, when Robert yelled at him.

 

"Aaron, get out!" His voice was high and breathless. "You're just going to make things worse! I've got this!"

 

Deep down Aaron knew that Robert was right. It would not help Liv one bit to see her brother drowning just because he wanted to play the hero. He clambered back on to the river bank and began to jog parallel to Robert and Liv, who were edging closer to safety, seemingly against all odds. After a few more torturous moments, Aaron was able to kneel down and pull Liv out of Robert's grasp and on to the river bank.

 

"Are you okay?" Aaron choked out, giving her a momentary glance over. She was wet, scared but seemingly unharmed. The little nod she gave in his direction almost sent him reeling.

 

Robert was already pulling himself out of the water and Aaron quickly grabbed his forearm and helped to tug him up. Once out of reach of the icy depths, Robert kneeled on all fours in the mud, panting furiously. The fabric of his shirt clung to him, making him shiver. Aaron searched for words that he needed to say but his mind was a confused jumble of panic, anger and shock. He opened his mouth but only succeeded in expelling a sort of strangled groan.

 

Robert huffed out something, and such was Aaron's inner turmoil, that it took a few seconds for him to understand what the other man was saying. "I know," Robert managed to say.

 

Aaron gulped hard and busied himself with helping Liv to her feet.

 

"Is she okay?" Aaron had completely forgotten that Liv's tormentors were still present at the scene. They looked younger now, terrified. It was difficult to imagine that such venom had fallen from their collective lips just five minutes prior. As if to remind him of their former cruelty, Liv took refuge behind Aaron's body, as though he would shield her from them.

 

Aaron got to his feet, drained from the rollercoaster of emotions he had experienced over the last half an hour. "No thanks to you four," he managed to snarl.

 

Four sets of fearful eyes stared up at Aaron. One of the girls, the smallest of the four, was in tears. With a shudder, Aaron considered what might have happened had he and Robert not been in the forest this afternoon. Would they have ran and left Liv to sink to the bottom of the river? Would Aaron and Adam have been combing the hillsides, looking for her once it got dark? Would they ever even have found her body? A wave of nausea rendered Aaron silent.

 

"Come near her again and you might just find that it's you lot who end up in that river," Robert growled, his voice dangerously low. He was already back on his feet, bedraggled and shivering, with a fierce expression on his face.

 

Aaron's mouth dropped in shock. "Robert, they're just kids," he hissed in warning. "Get out of here." He snapped, waving his hand in the direction of the girls. They scarpered, throwing furtive glances over their shoulders. "You can't say things like that!" Aaron snapped in Robert's direction once they were out of view.

 

Robert simply rolled his eyes, his former bravado returning in full force. For the first time, Aaron could imagine him on a battlefield, lighting up a cigar nonchalantly as chaos raged around him. "I obviously didn't mean it, Aaron. But she won't have any more problems with them." He gestured at Liv who was peering up at him in bewilderment, still dazed, and no doubt nonplussed about who this snarky, heroic man in the company of her brother was.

 

"You will, when they tell their parents that you threatened them, and they turn up at your door with pitchforks," Aaron pointed out, frustrated.

 

"I think I can handle myself," Robert smirked. "Now, shouldn't you be getting her home?" He looked pointedly at the shivering Liv.

 

Aaron frowned, tugging his coat off, and throwing it over Liv's shoulders. He scooped her up in her arms, relieved that her slight stature made doing so relatively easy. He began to head back towards the village footpath, with Robert close on his heels. Aaron chanced a quick look in the other man's direction, catching him shivering. He wished he had a second coat to offer Robert.

 

"Robert..." Aaron almost stuttered. "Thank you. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't been there..." His voice trailed off, unable to bear thinking about the worst case scenario.

 

Liv spoke for the first time since she had tumbled into the river, before Robert could reply. "I'm sorry, Aaron," Liv murmured, from his arms.

 

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Aaron reassured her vehemently. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have been able to go in after you." His voice broke on the words and he felt Robert's eyes on him.

 

" 'S okay," Liv murmured, nuzzling her face into his shirt.

 

They reached the path and Robert stopped, looking at Liv's crumpled form. "I hope you're okay," Robert said to her, his voice kind.

 

She lifted her gaze to Robert, eyes wide and innocent. "Thank you," she whispered.

 

As she tucked her head back into Aaron's chest, Robert reached out and squeezed Aaron's arm. "I'll see you later," he said, intently.

 

A trickle of water fell from his sodden hair and trailed down his cheek. And even though Liv was inches away - and even though he knew he shouldn't - Aaron reached out a finger and brushed it off Robert's damp skin.

 

***

 

"Why didn't you tell me what was going on, Liv?" Aaron asked later, once she had soaked in a warm bath and changed into her nightgown.

 

Aaron had been relieved to find that their mother was not in the house on their return. She often took it upon herself to personally return the garments she had repaired to her clients' homes on warm evenings. In his lower moments, Aaron sometimes wondered if she found it difficult to spend a lot of time with himself and Liv. Aaron had began to suspect lately that his mother found her children to be living, breathing reminders of her mistakes. Yet, tonight, Aaron was glad that she was not home, even though it was gone 6pm. He did not want to have to repeat the jeering jibes that his sister had endured - it would only bring more pain to his mother. Then, there would have been the added complication of explaining why he was wandering, alone, in the woods with Robert Sugden.

 

Despite her near brush with death, Aaron's sister was calmer than she had appeared to have been in days. She clutched at the cup of cocoa that Aaron had made for her, curled up in her favourite armchair. Aaron shuddered as he pictured the toll that hiding the bullying must have took on her.

 

"I didn't want to make you angry," his sister said quietly.

 

"Liv, I would have helped you." Aaron moved to kneel in front of his sister, looking up into her face.

 

A lone tear fell from her eyes. "Were they telling the truth?"

 

Before she spoke, Aaron had been holding on to the hope that Liv was unaware of the meaning behind her school mates' words. Surely she was too young to be familiar with such terms? As with most of Aaron's hopes, it was short lived. Aaron tilted Liv's chin downwards so she was looking directly at him. "You're not a burden," he said. "And that's the only truth that matters. One day, when you're old enough to understand properly, I'll tell you the whole story."

 

***

 

Aaron opened his front door to Robert, barely five minutes after his talk with Liv. He stepped outside, quickly closing the door behind him before Liv could see who it was.

 

"You shouldn't be here," Aaron muttered furtively. "What if my mother had been in? How would I have explained this?"

 

Robert had changed into dry clothing, although his hair was still in disarray. "You would have said that I'm here to check on your sister. You know, the kid that I fished out of the river this afternoon." Robert shrugged, seemingly unconcerned.

 

"Robert, I'm not going to tell her about that," Aaron snapped, the stress of the day beginning to overcome him. "She's got enough on her plate."

 

Robert raised his eyebrows. "Aaron," he said, his voice quiet. "It's not really the sort of thing you should be keeping a secret."

 

Aaron squared his shoulders, on the defensive. "Well, if we're going for complete honesty, I suppose I should tell her why I was by the river in the first place."

 

Robert rolled his eyes, refusing to be goaded. "Fair enough, you win," he conceded. "How is Liv?" He asked, his voice softening.

 

"She's doing okay. Think she's relieved it's all come out to be honest." Aaron sighed, all of the fight leaving him at once. "Robert, are you okay?" He asked, remembering how he had shivered in the cold earlier.

 

"I will be, if you agree to meet me later. There's an old barn on the outskirts of our farm. 9pm sound okay?" Robert murmured quietly.

 

"Why?" Aaron asked.

 

"Because," Robert smirked. "Me and you have got some unfinished business."

 

This time, it was Aaron's turn to raise his eyebrows. "The talking kind? Or the other kind?"

 

Even though it had been a spectacularly bad day overall for Aaron, there was still an undeniable thrill in verbally sparring with Robert.

 

Robert didn't move his eyes away from Aaron's as his tongue darted across his lips. "I'll leave you to figure that out."

 

As always, it was Aaron who walked away from the encounter flustered.

 

***

 

Robert was already in the barn, sitting on a bale of hale with his legs sprawled out in front of him, when Aaron arrived. He was dressed more casually than Aaron had ever seen him - the top two buttons on his shirt left open and no tie in sight. This was what he would look like, Aaron realised, when he was relaxing in his home with just his family around him. This was a side of him that Aaron should never have got to see.

 

Aaron closed the door behind him and slowly approached him. Robert didn't move from where he was sitting - just smiled lazily. He came to a halt, keeping a respectable amount of distance between them. It seemed almost laughable to feel shy now, after their lips had danced around each other's with such fire. But, that had been in the woods, where they had just been two men who were enjoying each other's company. Now, in Robert's family's barn, the class differences between them had never been more apparent. Aaron imagined what the villagers would say if he was found in a desolate barn at night with a Sugden. Not to mention, the fact that the aforementioned Sugden was a male. Like the differences between him and Robert, the risks of this venture had also never been more obvious to Aaron.

 

"What's wrong?" asked Robert, sensing his discomfort.

 

"We shouldn't be doing this," muttered Aaron, scuffing his shoes along the floor.

 

Robert gazed at him, unblinking. "Are you telling me you don't want this?"

 

"No," admitted Aaron, avoiding eye contact. "When did you become so brazen?"

 

"When did you become so cowardly?" Robert countered, accompanied by the maddening smirk that never failed to get under Aaron's skin.

 

"I'm not a coward," Aaron almost growled.

 

"Then live a little," Robert grinned.

 

Aaron didn't resist when he placed his hands on his waist, tugging him forward so that he was standing in between Robert's open legs. Because it felt natural to do so, Aaron dropped his hands onto Robert's shoulders. Robert's grin widened. His hair was still wild from his earlier heroics. His eyes looked wild, too, as he waited for Aaron to make his move. Aaron inclined his head and kissed Robert deeply, on the mouth.

 

For the first time, Aaron understood why people wrote poetry about kissing. It wasn't just pressing your lips to another person's, it was a way of saying everything that you wanted to say.

 

As he moved his lips around Robert's, he was saying thank you for saving my sister's life.

 

As he grazed his teeth across Robert's lower lip, he was saying I have never felt like this about anybody before.

 

As he stroked Robert's arms, he was saying how can this be wrong, when it feels so right?

 

Aaron had a lot of things to say to Robert. And he was planning on saying them all. One way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a small miracle that I managed to get this up, considering all I can think about right now is the wedding tomorrow xD.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This couldn't be wrong, thought Aaron. How could anybody ever think that this was wrong?
> 
> "Aaron," said Robert, his throat husky from sobbing. "Make me forget for a while."

 

Aaron had never felt so alive in years. Perhaps not ever. Certainly not since childhood, when feeling the grass beneath his feet as he stole a football from right under Adam's nose was enough to make him laugh with reckless abandon. He was coming to life beneath Robert's fingertips. He was being resurrected in an old barn that smelled of cows and felt like danger.

 

He was still in between Robert's long legs and the older man's arms were tight around Aaron's waist, drawing him in so close that Aaron could feel Robert's heartbeat through his shirt. Their chests were pressed flush against each other as Aaron leaned down and moved his lips against Robert's over and over again. It was a tangle of darting tongues, soft lips and hot breath. Aaron's fingers curled into the collar of Robert's shirt, his grip tight on the scratchy material. For his part, Robert's hands were loose on Aaron's waist like commas.

 

Aaron had longed to know what Robert Sugden tasted like. And now he knew. He tasted like mints and cigars and coffee. He tasted like freedom and heat and everything that Aaron had ever wanted.

 

Aaron pulled back for a moment, savoured Robert; tousled and panting and thoroughly unexpected. "Don't stop," Robert murmured against his lips, earlier bravado gone without a trace.

 

Aaron dived back into the kiss without further hesitation. He was undoing Robert Sugden with just his lips and tongue and nothing had ever felt better. Aaron unbuttoned Robert's shirt with shaking hands because he wanted to see everything Robert had to offer. The shirt was flung, discarded, into the hay. Robert's bare chest was creamy and toned and begging to be touched. Aaron's teeth tugged at Robert's bottom lip as he traced the pads of his fingertips across Robert's stomach. His fingers ghosted across Robert's collarbone, his nipples, his ribs, his bare hips. Robert growled into Aaron's mouth and in that moment Aaron would have done anything to hear that noise fall from Robert's lips once again.

 

"Robert," he whimpered, his legs shaky and his voice desperate. Desperate for what, Aaron wasn't sure. Sex, salvation, Robert? "It's too much." Too much and still not enough. Despite his words, Aaron ran a finger across the point where Robert's bare skin met his trousers. Robert growled again, into Aaron's mouth.

 

"It's not enough," Robert whispered, echoing Aaron's sentiments.

 

"What do we do?" asked Aaron, his hands moving to cup Robert's face.

 

"We keep kissing."

 

They kept kissing. It wasn't enough and, yet, it was.

 

***

 

Kissing Robert was the epitome of playing with fire. Aaron knew that if they continued to do this, eventually his world would be reduced to ashes. But when his lips were moving against Robert's, he felt as though wrenching their lips apart would cause more damage than continuing. Aaron would surely drowned if he couldn't keep losing himself in Robert. Robert was a fresh of breath air for Aaron - the one thing that wasn't boring him to death with its monotony, the one thing keeping him sane. Now that he knew what it felt like to let himself go, Aaron didn't think he could return to how his life had been before. Death by fire, or death by drowning. Aaron decided that he would take the flames every time.

 

They kissed in the Sugden's barn, they kissed in the woods, they kissed in deserted country lanes.

 

They kissed for hours, they kissed for snatched moments.

 

They kissed to escape, they kissed to feel, they kissed because they wanted to.

 

They kissed everywhere, for everything.

 

It never went any further but god, Aaron wanted it to.

 

***

 

_They are dead centre in the middle of the village when Robert unzips Aaron's fly and pulls out his cock without preamble. Pearl from next door drops her shopping and cries out in horror. Aaron is sure that his mother is watching them from behind her curtains._

 

_"Robert, it's not even night time," protests Aaron but not particularly convincingly, even to his own ears._

 

_Robert sank down to his knees in the bright daylight, outside of the Woolpack. There are people on the benches, with their pints halfway towards their lips. It doesn't matter because Robert's lips are already parted around Aaron's cock. He moves his head up and down in a steady rhythm, his hands cupping Aaron's arse, keeping him where he wants him. Aaron's palms are raised towards the sky, as if begging for divine intervention. He is moaning, even though he knows that he needs to stop because people are looking._

 

_He can't help but rock his hips, even when he sees Jack Sugden, Lawrence White and Liv walking towards them with rifles. Surely, Liv is too little to be able to carry a rifle, he thinks? Liv is crying as she points the rifle in their direction. Jack Sugden puts his hands on her shoulders in a comforting gesture._

 

_"Robert," Aaron says in between involuntary hip thrusts. "They're going to shoot us."_

 

_Panic rises in his chest. Robert drops Aaron's dick. He looks at Aaron, eyelashes fluttering and grin devilish. His lips are slick with Aaron's pre cum. "I'm going to get shot anyway. Here, or France, what difference does it make? Might as well die like this."_

 

Aaron woke up, slick with sweat and with his bedsheets knotted around his legs. His heart was pounding but his cock was hard. He didn't know whether he had just awoken from a fantasy or a nightmare. He couldn't shake off the image of Robert's pink lips, glistening with Aaron's wetness. He couldn't shake off the horror of Robert's fatalistic words.

 

Because he didn't know how to feel - couldn't quite bring himself to dwell on the less than subtle warning his dream gave him - he began to stroke himself under the covers. He had never wanted anyone like this before. Robert Sugden was going to be Aaron's undoing.

 

***

 

Aaron had been aware that Robert had a temper ever since their second encounter, when he had cornered him in the country lane, accusing him of pursuing Victoria. There had been something about the ease in which Robert had launched spiteful words like missiles in Aaron's path that had told him that Robert was no stranger to fits of cruelty and anger. Yet, the Robert that Aaron was most accustomed to was generous with his soft glances and understanding reassurances. So, Aaron had discarded the warning signs without a second thought. After all, Aaron himself was no angel.

 

Still, Aaron was surprised by the venom behind Robert's sniping, as he listening to him rowing with his father. He crouched behind the hay bales where he and Robert had kissed so passionately only a week prior, all too aware that Jack could storm into the barn at any moment, and listened to Robert and his father's blazing row. Evenings in the barn had become a regular arrangement between the two of them. It was the only way they could spend time together. There would never be evenings at dances or dinners at the Woolpack for Aaron and Robert. Only increasingly desperate kisses in chilly barns and quiet conversations under a cloak of secrecy. However, wherever. That was how Aaron was going to have to take Robert.

 

The night before, Aaron had been about half a second away from unbuckling Robert's belt. He would have done it, consequences be damned, if they hadn't both been startled by the sound of voices from impossibly nearby outside. It had sounded like Victoria. Aaron had left the barn, skin crawling with unfulfilled need, with the promise of tonight hanging over him. But Robert had clearly been waylaid by his seemingly furious father. And now Aaron was beginning to wish he had never come - he didn't want to have to overhear this. It felt like a betrayal of trust.

 

"You're making a big deal out of nothing, as usual!" Robert's voice was dripping with frustration.

 

"Robert, you're going out your way to fill your sister's head with drivel. New opportunities and adventures, what a load of rubbish! Just because you had to run off because you thought you were too good for this farm! Your sister and your brother are good kids and this is where they belong!" Jack Sugden's voice was laced with anger.

 

"And I'm not a good kid, am I?" Robert snarled, his voice a few pitches higher than usual. Aaron thought that he sounded so much younger than the Robert he was used to. Like a child, being scolded by his father.

 

"Not at the moment, no!" Jack's words were completely different to the abusive diatribes that Aaron's own father had dealt out on a regular basis. Gordon's rants had consisted of curse words and vile threats. Jack's words were different but no less hurtful, Aaron imagined. There was more than one way to tear a person apart using just your lips. "You always have to be so different! Gallivanting off when you're needed here. Trying to turn Andy and Victoria against me! All you bring is trouble, Robert."

 

"I wasn't trying to turn them against you! I was just telling them that there's life beyond Emmerdale!"

 

"You were trying to take them away from me!"

 

"You just want to keep them here so you can control them!" Robert yelled, losing all semblance of control.

 

"You just want to take them away from me so you can hurt me!" Jack hollered back, tit for tat.

 

"Everything always has to be about you, doesn't it dad?"

 

"That's rich, coming from you," Jack snarled. "Why did you even come back here, if that's what you think?"

 

"I wish I hadn't now! I'd be much happier, well away from you!"

 

"Well that makes two of us."

 

Aaron straightened up, waited until he was absolutely certain that Jack's footsteps were carrying him away from the barn. He still refused to let his feet move until the calm evening carried the sound of the farmhouse door slamming violently, confirming Jack's departure. Then, and only then, did he open the barn door as quietly as he could. Robert was standing close by, his hands balled into fists and his face tight with anger and hurt. He was white, whiter than Aaron had ever seen him. He lifted his eyes to Aaron and let out a bark of laughter. It was barbed and ragged and as far away from Robert's trademark warm chuckle that Aaron usually drew from him as it was possible to imagine.

 

"My father, Aaron," he said, waving a hand for emphasis, as though he was introducing the two of them.

 

"Robert..." Aaron started to say - placating, his feet carrying him closer.

 

"Not now, Aaron," Robert interrupted, his voice breaking on Aaron's name. "I'm going for a walk. Alone."

 

Aaron watched as he moved off away from the farm, his feet scuffing the ground and his head hanging low. The dales were bathed in darkness and Aaron was unwilling to let Robert stride off into the deserted fields alone and visibly upset - not when Robert had been there to help Aaron when he had needed someone. Not when Robert had dived into an icy lake to pull out Aaron's kid sister. He followed a few paces behind, guarding Robert with his presence but allowing him enough space to work through his anger and hurt. He was relieved when Robert didn't snap at Aaron to leave, again. So, they walked through the darkness, Aaron following Robert's lead, and not a word spoken between them. It wasn't the evening that Aaron had planned. However, wherever, he reminded himself.

 

***

 

Robert finally sank down at the edge of a nameless field, somewhere high above the village. Aaron calculated that they had probably hiked around a mile, all in tense, emotionally charged silence. Aaron wondered if Robert had been deliberately searching for this specific field, if it held some kind of meaning for him. Or, whether he had simply been desperately attempting to walk off his temper.

 

_Just because you had to run off_ , Jack had said. So, Robert had run from the farm again.

 

Aaron caught up with Robert, sat down beside him, still without saying a word. Robert's face was streaked with half dried tears, Aaron realised. When Robert gave out an involuntary shiver, Aaron took off his jacket and carefully placed it around Robert's shoulders. Robert stared at Aaron, his eyes unreadable, as he pushed his arms through the sleeves. After a moment, he reached out and grabbed Aaron's hand, lacing their fingers together.

 

"He hates me," he said, through fresh tears.

 

Aaron remembered Jack's harsh words, remembered wincing, even though the words weren't directed at him. For the first time, he understood why Robert's face tightened whenever he talked about his father. It seemed that Aaron didn't have the monopoly on screwed up familial relationships. It should have been a relief, but here, with a silently crying Robert, it felt like the opposite. He had never been a one for hugs, Liv was the only person who he ever really felt comfortable embracing. Yet, when faced with Robert's distress, Aaron wrapped an arm around Robert's back and rubbed him gently. Robert's head fell on to Aaron's shoulder, almost instantly and Aaron tightened his grip. Late at night, in an empty field, Aaron let Robert Sugden sob into his shoulder, continuing to rub his back gently the whole time.

 

"Rob," Aaron said, when the sobs had died down. "Is he always like that, with you?"

 

Robert lifted his head up, shuffled away from Aaron slightly. Aaron mourned the loss of contact, the loss of Robert's warmth and vulnerability, immediately.

 

"Pretty much," Robert admitted, shrugging. "You heard him, I'm nothing but trouble."

 

"I don't believe that," said Aaron, lending what comfort he could.

 

"He'll be rid of me soon enough, anyway," Robert muttered, huddling further into Aaron's jacket. It was his favourite one - brown, well worn and comfortable. Now, it would smell of Robert, both a blessing and a curse. "I have to report for training in four days."

 

"That soon?" Aaron had always known, of course. But time seemed to have snuck up on them as they had wasted their days thinking of each other and their nights chasing intimacy together. They hadn't talked about Robert leaving, not really. The very idea of it didn't seem to real, to Aaron.

 

"It's probably for the best," Robert said, darkly.

 

"Doesn't feel like it," replied Aaron, not even bothering to disguise the bleakness in his retort.

 

Robert stared at Aaron, eyes unblinking. He hadn't even bothered to wipe the dried tears from his face. Aaron felt irrationally pleased that Robert trusted Aaron to see him like this. Robert and Aaron were both seeing each other at their most raw and marvelling at it. This couldn't be wrong, thought Aaron. How could anybody ever think that this was wrong?

 

"Aaron," said Robert, his throat husky from sobbing. "Make me forget for a while."

 

It didn't matter that the evening had veered wildly off course for them both. It didn't matter that Robert's bravado and confident demeanour had been stripped away by Jack's hoarse shouts. It didn't matter that Robert would be gone in less than a week. It didn't and it did.

 

Aaron moved to kiss Robert. He moved so close to him, that he had almost crawled into his lap. Robert's legs were crossed and Aaron positioned his own legs so that they were bracketing Robert's knees. Aaron's hands cupped Robert's face as he moved their lips together. It was slower than their normal heady kisses. The deep rooted, uncontrollable passion was still there though, simmering beneath the surface. It didn't take much for it to bubble up, making it's presence glaringly obvious.

 

Aaron gasped when Robert moved a hand between their chests and palmed Aaron's cock through his trousers - he rocked his hips forward without realising he was doing it. Robert pushed his palm forward again, with a little more force this time.

 

"Is this okay?" He had the presence of mind to ask, breaking their kiss momentarily.

 

Aaron just put his hands on Robert's shoulders and pushed him with enough force that the older fell back into the grass. Aaron went down with him, keeping his legs on either side of Robert's, kissing him hungrily. Robert still had one hand on Aaron's trouser clad cock, kneading slowly. "Shhh." It was the only response that Aaron could muster.

 

Robert felt warm and responsive underneath Aaron, more right that anything else ever had. His cock was straining against his trousers now, alive under Robert's warm hand, and Aaron moved his lips down to Robert's collarbone and nibbled gently. They were a symphony of groans and whimpers and they hadn't even removed any of their clothing yet. As though hearing Aaron's internal ramblings, Robert fumbled with Aaron's trousers and dragged them partway down his hips. He rolled them over so that it was Aaron now sprawled on his back on the cool grass, legs akimbo and cock free of restraint. Robert kissed Aaron on the lips, before moving down to drag his lips across his jawbone. Aaron cupped Robert's arse with his own warm hands, savouring the feel of it. Robert pushed Aaron's hands away with a warm laugh and then his head was between Aaron's legs. Aaron moaned animalistically as Robert pressed his tongue hard against Aaron's exposed balls. When Robert's tongue moved to swirl against the head of Aaron's cock, it was better than any dream he had ever conjured up. He gave another involuntary hip thrust and Robert gently moved his hands down to press his hips back into the grass.

 

"Robert," Aaron spat out, garbled. "I don't....I haven't..."

 

Robert took him in, his eyes tender and bright. "I know, just relax," he said, as if it were that easy.

 

He returned his mouth to Aaron's cock and wrapped his lips around it, this time. His head began to move up and down, slowly for the first few minutes, then faster. When Aaron let out another garbled sound, Robert reached out and covered Aaron's hands with his own, even as his head continued to slide up and down. Within minutes, Aaron was on the brink.

 

"Robert," he said again as he exploded.

 

Robert swallowed and crawled back up Aaron's body, lying beside him in the grass, their bodies touching. It took Aaron a moment to recover enough to struggle up onto one elbow, tug his trousers up into a more dignified positioning, and press a kiss to Robert's mouth. He tasted of Aaron.

 

"You've done that before," Aaron said, no accusation in his voice.

 

"Done what?" Robert asked, still a little breathless and lips plump from his exertions. Aaron couldn't help but kiss him again.

 

"Used your lips on a man," Aaron didn't know how else to put it.

 

Robert shrugged, neither confirming nor denying. "Does it matter?" He retorted.

 

Aaron supposed it didn't when he was lying here, beside a man that had made him feel as though he was on fire, sated and satisfied.

 

"Anyway, I thought you were supposed to be the one making me feel better?" Robert smirked. Aaron felt immeasurably happy as he realised that somewhere between the end of the tears and Aaron coming undone beneath Robert's lips, Robert's confidence had returned in full force.

 

"Are you telling me you didn't enjoy that at all?" Aaron shot back, raising his eyebrows.

 

"On the contrary," Robert snickered. "I enjoyed it very much, indeed."

 

He took one of Aaron's hands and pressed it down on to his bulge, proving his desire. It was Aaron's turn to push Robert's trousers down - Robert raised his hips to aid him in his efforts. Aaron wrapped his fingers around Robert's newly exposed cock, still propped up on one elbow and looking down into Robert's face. He was pleased to see his green eyes widen and his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. Aaron moved his hand up and down, fast and uneven, never moving his eyes from Robert's face the whole time. For all his bravado, Robert whimpered under Aaron's labours. He was still wearing Aaron's jacket, Aaron realised. Aaron was never going to be able to look at that jacket in the same way again.

 

"Fuck, fuck," Robert groaned as he came, coating Aaron's fingers in white stickiness. Aaron wiped his hands on blades of grass, unbothered.

 

"Aaron," Robert said as Aaron lay his head down on his shoulder, looking up at the stars. "Thank you."

 

"For touching your cock?" Aaron quipped, smiling.

 

"No, for being here, with me," Robert smiled back, with a roll of his eyes.

 

"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else." Aaron shrugged, meaning it.

 

"Me either," Robert replied.

 

But, Aaron thought, in four days he would be leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should be back to a regular weekly updating schedule now. Thanks for being patient ;).
> 
> Come and find me on Twitter, I'm Tazza1993. I ramble about Robron a lot.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What's life without a little risk?" Robert shrugged, his eyes glinting dangerously. "What do you think, Aaron?"
> 
> Aaron hesitated, before looking Robert in the eye. "Would be boring, I guess," he said in reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for keeping you guys waiting for so long, I just needed to have a little break from Robron for a while. But I am back now, with every intention of finishing this story.

"Aaron, what's going on with you, love?"

 

Liv had long been settled in bed. She had retreated up the staircase, school book in hand, not long after dinner. It was one of those rare nights when all three of them had sat down together to eat. The conversation had been stilted - Aaron lost in his own head, Liv drained from the emotionally charged incidents earlier in the week, his mother no doubt worrying about money and sewing. Still, at least they were all together, thought Aaron. The three of them would battle on, just as they always had done.

 

Now, it was just Aaron and his mother settled in front of the wireless. The programme they were tuned into was spouting merciless updates about the war. They were still saying that it would be over by Christmas. More than enough time for Robert to find a stray bullet, or be taken prisoner, or perish of hypothermia, Aaron brooded. There was no escape from any of it, for Aaron. The war was the most prominent topic of conversation in the Woolpack, among the clusters of people in the local shop and even among the other farm hands at Butler's. Then, in Aaron's head was _Robert, Robert, Robert._ The war and Robert. His subsequent departure was now too unavoidably close for the two concepts not to be linked inextricably in Aaron's mind.

 

It was cold and his mother was huddled under a woollen blanket for warmth. Aaron had his brown jacket draped over his knee. Just twenty four hours ago that jacket had been draped around Robert's shoulders as they had kissed and touched each other. _Robert, Robert, Robert._ They weren't meeting tonight - Robert had promised to accompany Victoria to some event or other. Aaron missed him, as though he was his to miss.

 

"Nothing 'Ma. What makes you say that?" Aaron rubbed a hand across his forehead, tired and frustrated.

 

"Because Liv's not the only person in this family walking around with a permanently grumpy face."

 

"I'm just tired 'Ma. Leave it, okay?"

 

Aaron's mother gave him a searching look. Aaron thought that it was the most present she had been while in the room with him for months. "I'm not surprised, with all those late night walks you've been taking. Are you courting?"

 

"I said to leave it, 'Ma!"

 

"Just be careful, Aaron. That's all I'm saying."

 

Three nights left.

 

***

 

Liv and Aaron ate their porridge together, side by side at the kitchen table. Liv always devoured her breakfast like someone was going to snatch it away from her if she didn't eat it fast enough. Usually, Aaron would tease her about it mercilessly, even though he wasn't exactly a graceful eater himself. Today, however, Aaron was preoccupied.

 

"Aaron?" said Liv, scraping her spoon across the bowl to get the last dregs.

 

Aaron looked up from his bowl, frowning. "Yeah?"

 

"That day... that day I fell into the river. That man was there, the one who pulled me out?" Liv watched Aaron carefully, seemingly wary of his reaction.

 

"Robert?" Aaron put down his bowl and focused his full attention on his sister. "Yeah, he's a friend of mine."

 

"I saw him on my way home from school yesterday. He came over and asked how I was. He was nice."

 

Aaron found himself surprised and pleased in equal measures. Something about the thought of Robert walking around the village, talking to his family, being a part of Aaron's daily life filled Aaron's chest with nameless emotion. "Hmmm." Aaron tried to be as non committal as possible. "Yeah, he is nice."

 

"Aaron?" Liv said, again. "If he's your friend, how come I've never seen him before?"

 

"I haven't known him for very long." Aaron shrugged.

 

Liv thought about it for a second, seemed to accept her brother's explanation. "Gabby was there when he came over to talk to me," she continued. "She said he's going away to fight."

 

"Yeah, she's right."

 

"Will he be okay?"

 

"I hope so." It was the only thing that Aaron had to offer.

 

Two days left.

 

***

 

Aaron threw himself into the manual labour at Butler's because he wanted to forget. It didn't work, it just made him ache. Aching shoulders, aching back, aching heart. The fields were a luscious, vibrant green that under normal circumstances would make Aaron breath in lungful's of clean air and hum in contentment. There wasn't much that Aaron loved about Emmerdale but August out in the fields was one of them. Today the sun beating down on his back felt suffocating as opposed to nourishing. All good things would eventually come to an end, as they always had done. Soon summer would be gone and Robert might be dead.

 

"Are you listening to a word I'm saying?" Adam's voice cut through Aaron's dark thoughts.

 

"I'm trying to block you out," Aaron grumbled, only half joking.

 

"What's going on with you?"

 

"Why does everybody think there's something wrong with me?"

 

"I don't know, maybe because you're moping around with a face like a wet weekend," Adam suggested, his lips twitching upwards slightly.

 

"Thanks mate, I love you too." Aaron couldn't help but let a chuckle slip out.

 

"Pub tonight. 6pm sharp. No excuses," Adam said, leaving no room for argument.

 

Aaron supposed that it might help to distract him from the sense of dread that had engulfed him for days. Perhaps his best friend and a few pints would help to bring him back to reality again. After all, Robert had only ever been a sort of intangible dream to Aaron. So what if they had touched and kissed? Their embraces had always been restricted to the half reality of the starry nights. You couldn't lose something that you had never really had. So why did Aaron's chest constrict a little more at each passing hour?

 

One and a half days left.

 

***

 

The Woolpack was dimly lit, crowded and full of smoke. Aaron made a beeline for his and Adam's usual booth in the corner, pint in one hand, discarded coat in the other. He paused only to wave at Cain as he passed, who gave him a surly nod of acknowledgement. Adam sat down opposite him, smiling and full of life. It was a Friday night - the highlight of the social calendar for most of the men in the village. Aaron had never liked Fridays - they reminded him of Gordon, drinking away the money that his mother had scraped together during the week. Fridays were midnight beatings and slurred curse words and broken furniture. Still, he plastered a smile on to his face for his friend's sake.

 

Aaron was mid laugh at one of Adam's ridiculous jokes when the Sugden siblings walked into the pub. Robert led the way, hair slicked back and lazy grin on his familiar features, Victoria followed, slightly hesitant but entirely beautiful in a long sleeved blouse, and Andy brought up the rear, a reluctant frown in place. They garnered their fair share of attention as they wove towards the bar. Whether it was because Robert was still an enigma to the majority of village dwellers, or whether it was because it was a rare occasion for a woman to brave the pub (even with males chaperones), or whether it was because the three of them were the offspring of one of the most respected men in the village, Aaron didn't know. Whatever the reason, whispers followed them like tendrils of smoke as they moved through the pub. Aaron watched them, the mere presence of Robert being enough to set his nerve endings on edge.

 

"It's her, Aaron," Adam hissed, the new arrivals also capturing his interest immediately.

 

It was Victoria who caught his eye first, when she turned around to survey her surroundings as her brothers ordered drinks. She smiled widely and nudged Robert with her elbow. Robert turned, his eyebrows raised in question, and realised who had captured her attention. Aaron did not know what he expected to happen - he was unsure of how familiar Robert would want to seem with him in public. However, he certainly did not expect Victoria and Robert to walk over to him and Adam's booth, with Andy still trailing behind them.

 

"Victoria. Robert," Aaron looked at them over his half empty pint, trying his upmost to appear nonchalant.

 

"Victoria, nice to see you again," Adam beamed, seemingly unable to believe his good fortune.

 

"Aaron," Robert smiled, as unruffled as ever.

 

"Aaron, Adam," Victoria chirped cheerfully.

 

Andy just shuffled uncomfortably, unfamiliar with his siblings' newfound acquaintances. It was awkward and odd and it had certainly done nothing to dispel the piqued interest of the other patrons. The Sugden siblings initiating conversation with two common labourers from a rival farm would be fuel for gossip for the next fortnight at least. Aaron blushed under their snatched stares.

 

"Can we join you?" It was Robert who cut through the awkwardness with an easy grin. He didn't bother to wait for an answer before sliding in beside Aaron. Victoria followed suit and seated herself next to Adam.

 

"Sit down, Andy," Robert rolled his eyes at his brother who was still awkwardly shuffling his feet.

 

Andy sat next to Victoria. "Are you going to introduce me?" He asked.

 

It was Victoria who spoke first. "Andy, this is Adam Barton and Aaron Dingle, they work up at Butler's farm. Aaron helped me carry the groceries home last week. You've probably seen him around the village. I met Adam at the barn dance last month. Adam and Aaron, this is my oldest brother Andy. Again, you've probably seen him around. I think everybody else knows each other?"

 

"We do, indeed," Robert confirmed warmly.

 

Andy smiled affably. As much as Victoria and Andy's dark hair and bold features contrasted with Robert's fair hair and freckles, Aaron recognised definite similarities between the three siblings in that moment. All three of them seemingly possessed the ability to ease into social situations with the sort of warmth that put people at ease instantly.

 

"Honestly, Rob," Andy smirked. "You've been back less than a month and you already know more people that me."

 

"That's because you need to get out of the farm more, brother," Robert teased with a fond laugh.

 

"None of us have any hope of getting away from the farm ever again after father finds out that you brought Vic to a pub," Andy threw back, jokingly.

 

Robert leant back in his seat and grinned lazily. "You two need to relax and look beyond the confines of Emmerdale. Believe it or not, in London, women drinking in pubs isn't that rare. Besides, this is my send off, before I go away and I wanted Vic to be here."

 

"My 'Ma would be furious if I brought our Holly to a pub," Adam laughed. "You're braver men than I am."

 

"What's life without a little risk?" Robert shrugged, his eyes glinting dangerously. "What do you think, Aaron?"

 

Aaron hesitated, before looking Robert in the eye. "Would be boring, I guess," he said in reply.

 

***

 

Aaron wanted to remember Robert like this when he went away, carefree and smirking as he traded quips with his siblings and Adam. Even the bleak, smoky dimness of the Woolpack couldn't dull his glow. Aaron savoured the Robert he got when they were alone, of course. But tonight, Robert felt more real than he had ever felt before, to Aaron. Whether he knew it or not, by sitting with Aaron in the Woolpack with his best friend, Robert had given him a gift. He had allowed Aaron to see him with people he treasured the most. He had acknowledged that he knew Aaron, in public. And even though people could never know the true extent of their relationship, Aaron treasured the acknowledgement all the same.

 

It was an evening of jokes, laughter and frivolous conversation that allowed the five people around the table to forget the outside world for a little while. Andy and Victoria were reluctant to broach the subject of their brother's imminent departure. Robert was happy to enjoy a rare evening with his brother and sister that wasn't marred by petty squabbling. And Aaron didn't want to think about anything other than the man sitting beside him, his shirt collar slightly askew and his proximity filling Aaron with warmth.

 

Later, Adam and Victoria slipped outside for some air together. No doubt aware of the coy looks between the pair of them that had become more frequent as the evening continued, Andy followed them. If only he knew that the real danger was certainly not Victoria, thought Aaron.

 

"I'm glad I got to spend tonight with you," said Robert, taking advantage of the snatched moment alone.

 

"Yeah, me too," said Aaron, unable to stop himself from shuffling fractionally closer to the blond man.

 

"Is your friend trying to seduce my sister?" Robert joked, lightening the mood.

 

"I think it's probably the other way around," Aaron snorted in reply.

 

Robert leaned closer to Aaron and spoke quietly in his ear. "Must run in the family."

 

"Are you saying you're trying to seduce me?" Aaron whispered back, half amused, half aroused.

 

"Think I already did that. On Wednesday." Robert's grin was wicked as he referenced that night in the field.

 

Seeing Andy re-enter the bar and realising that his time alone with Robert was coming to a close, Aaron said, "Robert, is this the last time I'm going to see you?"

 

"Gosh, Aaron," Robert chuckled. "Measure me up for a coffin already why don't you?"

 

Aaron couldn't find the words to express the emotion that overtook him as Robert spoke. He merely stared at Robert, his eyes wide and sad.

 

"Meet me at the bridge tomorrow night. 8pm. " Robert muttered as Andy returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very keen on this chapter, feels off somehow but I figured that I had left you guys waiting long enough. Next chapter will be very angsty, brace yourselves :).


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You need me?" Robert's words were almost a whisper. Aaron felt them rather than heard them.
> 
> "More than anything," Aaron growled. He grabbed Robert's hair, pulling almost painfully.
> 
> "We'll have to stop this one day."
> 
> "I don't care, I want you to fuck me," Aaron said. It was a confession. It was the truth. It was everything.

 

Once, long before Robert, long before Jenny, before Liv even, his mother used to tell Aaron bedtime stories in a low, soothing voice before he submitted to sleep. He would lie, cloaked under the warmth of blankets, and listen to stories of magic and wonder and far off lands. His mother would sit at the foot of the bed, her voice an antidote to the descending darkness as night fell. Chas' reading ability was slow and stuttering so the tales she would resort to were recited from memory, ones she had been familiar with in her own childhood years. Aaron had fallen asleep with Rumpelstiltskin and his uncontrollable temper, The Little Lame Prince and his magical cloak and The Selfish Giant and the lessons he would learn.

 

His mother's all time favourite, though, had been Alice in Wonderland. It had been the last story that her teacher had read to the class before she had left school to earn her living. Night after night, eight year old Aaron would hear about a world where nothing made sense but remained awe inspiring in all its nonsensical glory. Cats grinned and rabbits wore top hats and Alice found her way in spite of herself. It had been a soothing balm for Aaron who also lived in a world where nothing seemed to make sense, a one where his parents yelled at each other in the depths of the night and his father drank a strange smelling liquid that twisted his face into something that looked a lot like wrath. Aaron hadn't found his way yet but his mother's well rehearsed words gave him faith that someday he would.

 

"'Ma?" Aaron had asked one night, his bed sheets tucked up around his chin. "What if Alice had just stayed in Wonderland?"

 

"Oh, Aaron," his mother had smiled at him fondly, "You can't hide from reality forever."

 

Aaron, young, still grasping on to his innocence and forever hopeful had not understood why.

 

***

 

"Where are you going, Aaron?" His mother asked as he pulled his shoes on in the porch.

 

"For a walk," Aaron replied curtly.

 

"Please stay in with me tonight, Aaron." Chas' voice was imploring and her face was worried. "You've barely been here lately."

 

It hurt to leave her there, staring at him sadly, but not as much as it would have hurt to stay with her.

 

***

 

Aaron had tried to tell his mother that he would never marry once. The truth had seemed kinder than allowing his mother to dwell in fantasies where Aaron would grant her a beautiful, helpful daughter-in-law and joyful grandchildren who weren't tainted by Gordon's shadow like her own children were. Besides, Aaron had figured that it would be less destructive to admit to something so polarising in a family that was broken and dysfunctional to begin with. Their tidy family unit had already been burned down to the ground and left them with nothing but ashes and love to rebuild on. What did it matter if Aaron would never vow forever to a pretty, kind hearted village girl?

 

"You'll change your mind, Aaron," she had said, calm and placating at first.

 

"I won't." And something in Aaron's manner must have reinforced his certainty.

 

"Why?" Her lips had quivered.

 

"Because I don't feel that way about any girl."

 

Aaron had never intended for his mother to read between the lines but she knew him better than he had thought. "We'll never speak of this again," she said.

 

So, Aaron buried it. Until Robert.

 

***

 

As Aaron waited on the bridge, he remembered Alice falling down the rabbit hole and ending up a world where the sign posts didn't make sense. Robert leaving for a foreign land to fight for his father's affection didn't make sense. Aaron's sheer terror at the idea of never seeing Robert again didn't make sense. The mere reality that golden freckles, vivid green eyes and long limbs could make Aaron's heart pound didn't make sense. It was beautiful, terrifying nonsense.

 

The bridge looked like the setting for a fairy-tale in the dappled moonlight. The river was calm and flowing, you would never have guessed that it had almost swallowed his sister whole just over a week ago. The trees swayed gently in the light summer breeze, making a gentle sound that was reminiscent of hushed whispers. Aaron imagined them whispering not to return to Emmerdale, to take his things and run. Emmerdale before Robert Sugden had been suffocating. Emmerdale after Robert Sugden had been and gone like a glorious, blond tornado would surely be his undoing.

 

Aaron knew that he would go back to the village anyway, heart heavy and reluctant but accepting of the inevitable. He would go back because he wasn't his father. He would go back because when Liv smiled, Aaron saw the potential for happier times. He would go back because the memory of Robert was better than no Robert at all.

 

Robert emerged from the trees and walked around to the bridge, towards Aaron. His shirt was navy today, the same one he had been wearing the night they had met, making his golden hair stand out all the more. He looked like a fairy-tale prince, coming to save Aaron. Robert's long legs got caught up in the twigs that scattered the bridge causing him to stumble and dispelling the fanciful notion immediately. Robert wasn't a hero, he was a frightened, complicated man with a laugh that could heal Aaron and sobs that could wound him. He wasn't a hero, Aaron certainly wasn't a hero, but that didn't mean that this wasn't _something._

 

Beautiful, terrifying, infinitely complicated nonsense.

 

"Hey," said Robert as he reached Aaron. He stopped before they were touching.

 

But Robert was leaving tomorrow so Aaron stepped forward and put his hands on his waist, a ghost of a touch. "When do you have to go?" Aaron asked, battling to keep his voice level.

 

"My train leaves just after six in the morning. Got to report for training before 2. I'm based at Colsterdale, so not too far." Robert's tone was matter of fact, distant. Aaron's fury rose swiftly, irrationally.

 

"You could die," Aaron spat out, his anger palpable. He wasn't sure why but he felt an inexplicable urge to see Robert express his fear and regret.

 

Robert's eyes widened and his lips pursed, reprimanding and captivating all at once. "I'm only training, Aaron. The chances of me dying are minimal."

 

"You won't be in training forever." Aaron's eyes glinted defiantly in the moonlight.

 

"Well at least I'll be fighting for something!" Robert growled.

 

"Oh, yeah?" Aaron could not bite the words back. "Fighting for your 'Da's love are you? Well I've got news for you! It's not working." Aaron spun away from Robert, heart pumping overtime and face flushed with anger. He made to walk away, seething internally, although he was all too aware that he had initiated the argument. On their last night together, too. But Aaron had always lashed out when he was frightened. It was one of his most defining characteristics. He thought of his 'Ma crumpled into an untidy heap, wailing, the night that Gordon had left. He thought of Adam, wide eyed and hurt, after Aaron had snapped at him when he had been in a foul mood. He started to walk because he would always push away the people that he loved. It was easier that way, somehow.

 

Did he love Robert Sugden?

 

Yes.

 

No.

 

Did it matter, if he was destined to be blown into pieces on the battlefield anyway?

 

Robert grabbed his shoulder with one hand, spun him back to face him, glowering, inescapable. He was whole, for now. "I'm fighting for you too, you idiot!" Robert snapped, his voice raised. "I want you to think I'm brave."

 

Aaron reeled, momentarily taken aback. "Robert, I don't care!" He said. "I'm not going to fight. I have to stay here. I'm not brave!"

 

"You're staying for your family. Nobody needs me!"

 

"That's not true!" Aaron's voice was raised, angry, passionate. "I need you!" It was the most vivid truth that Aaron had ever known.

 

When they kissed, it was a clash of mouths, angry, violent, passionate. Robert grabbed the back of Aaron's neck, urging his lips forward. Aaron backed Robert against the wooden railing of the bridge, their hips thrust together, their mouths moving against one another's unceasingly.

 

"You need me?" Robert's words were almost a whisper. Aaron felt them rather than heard them.

 

"More than anything," Aaron growled. He grabbed Robert's hair, pulling almost painfully.

 

"We'll have to stop this one day."

 

"I don't care, I want you to fuck me," Aaron said. It was a confession. It was the truth. It was everything.

 

Robert ground his hips into Aaron's, making the younger man whimper helplessly. Aaron pushed Robert further into the wooden railing, digging his fingertips into his shoulders, knowing that there would be a bruise blossoming underneath his pale skin tomorrow. Knowing that Robert would look at it and think of Aaron. His cock grew impossibly harder at the thought.

 

"Anyone could find us here." Robert's voice was strained, grasping for reason.

 

"I thought you wanted to do something unexpected," murmured Aaron. "Fuck me hard. Make me remember you."

 

Robert moved his hips in a circular motion, dragged his lips across Aaron's pulsating throat. "You'll always remember me," he drawled.

 

"Make me." Aaron thrusted upwards, grasping at Robert's broad shoulders.

 

"I fully intend to." Robert's voice was laced with danger.

 

Suddenly, Robert was all hands. He turned Aaron with one single motion, so that it was Aaron who was pressed against the wooden railing, but they were still facing one another. He kissed Aaron, pressing their tongues together, tasting him as though it was for the last time. Aaron pressed his own hands behind him, clutching at the wooden railing, for balance. Robert tugged down Aaron's trousers and boxers in one quick motion, rubbing circles around his hip bones. When Robert's warm, hot mouth fixed onto Aaron's cock, Aaron could not help but moan.

 

"This isn't fucking," Aaron spluttered.

 

"No, this is even better." The sensation of Robert's soft laughter vibrating around his cock made Aaron rock backwards and forth, not of his own volition.

 

"Fuck me, Robert," Aaron whined, out of control of his own impulses.

 

"I'm fucking you with my mouth," Robert growled.

 

"I hate you," whimpered Aaron, still rocking.

 

"I love you," said Robert, still moving his mouth back and forth.

 

Aaron groaned animalistic ally, his legs shaking. Robert moved his hands down to grip them firmly, holding him upright, even as he continued his never ceasing rhythm on Aaron's swelling cock. Aaron was whining helplessly, half slumped on the railing of the bridge, his arms tense, when Robert pulled back, his eyes shining.

 

"Aaron," he said.

 

"Don't say my name like that," Aaron managed to laugh.

 

"Say your name like what?" Robert's eyes sparkled with likeminded mirth.

 

"Like you want to fuck me."

 

"I do."

 

"So fuck me."

 

"I will." Robert turned Aaron around once more, so he was looked down on to the grey river.

 

Aaron's hands were still clutched around the railing, knuckles white as they clung to purchase. Robert grabbed Aaron's hips, tugged them backwards a step, so that Aaron's weight was on the railing and his bare arse was pointed outwards, towards Robert. Robert pressed his lips down on to Aaron's shoulder, his whole body surrounding Aaron, as he pressed a finger into his hole. Aaron had only ever felt his own fingers pressed down into that spot and Robert's long digits within him surrounded him with a sensation that he had never felt before. As Robert began to move his finger in and out, Aaron cried out, his voice swallowed up by the gushing of the river.

 

"Rob," he cried.

 

Robert put his spare hand on Aaron's hip, steadying him. His teeth grazed across Aaron's neck, leaving the sweet sensation of pain.

 

"Shhhh, Aaron," he said.

 

"I can't," whined Aaron, the feeling too new, too sweet, for him to bear silently.

 

"If you can't be quiet, I'll have to stop," Robert whispered, teasingly.

 

"Stop and I'll kill you," Aaron breathed out.

 

Robert added another finger to his ministrations, Aaron's legs shaking beneath him. Soon he was scissoring his fingers, testing Aaron, and Aaron was pushing his arse up towards Robert's fingers. Robert laughed against Aaron, tugged at the hairs on the back of his scalp playfully. Aaron reached back with one palm and dragged his fingers across Robert's hard, still covered cock. Then, Robert wasn't laughing any longer and he was shoving his own trousers down, fast and without care for the evening chill. When Robert pressed his cock inside of Aaron's hole it burned momentarily. Robert stilled while Aaron caught his breath, reached up and ran his fingers across the pulse on the younger man's neck. Aaron tilted his neck and kissed Robert's chin and then Robert began to move in earnest, building up a slow steady rhythm with his hips. Aaron moved both his hands back to the railing, clinging on. Robert continued thrusting, his breath laboured, Aaron could feel it on the back of his neck. All he could smell, all he could taste, all he could feel was Robert moving inside of him. Soon he would be gone and Aaron would be empty.

 

"Faster, Robert," Aaron whispered, pushing his arse into Robert.

 

"Aaron," Robert growled warningly.

 

They moved together, faster and more punishing. Robert lowered his head slightly, bit down into the material of Aaron's rough shirt.

 

"Fuck," he moaned, then he pulled out and spurted his load on to Aaron's bare arse cheeks.

 

"Robert," moaned Aaron, still wanting, needing.

 

Robert moved a hand in between the railings and Aaron's exposed leg, wrapping his fingers around Aaron's erect cock. It only took a few rough strokes until Aaron was crying out his name once again and shaking as he surrendered to Robert's hand. Robert reached forward once again, pulling Aaron's trousers up, dropping a sloppy kiss on his neck, before rearranging his own bottom half. Aaron turned around to look at his lover, his eyes intense and gleaming.

 

"I love you, too," Aaron said breathlessly.

 

Robert wrapped both of his arms back around Aaron and they stood and watched the river together.

 

Aaron was in Wonderland and he never wanted to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this turned out longer and more time consuming than I anticipated. The next chapter will also be their last together for a while, followed by some of their time apart (as shown by letters). 
> 
> Some reading on Victorian fairy tales for whoever is interested:
> 
> http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/reviews/victorian-fairytales-and-folklore-round-up-10133828.html  
> https://specialcollections.vassar.edu/exhibit-highlights/2011-2015/age-of-alice/fairy-tales-fantasy-nonsense.html  
> https://interestingliterature.com/2017/01/27/10-classic-victorian-fairy-tales-everyone-should-read/


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In some ways it felt like the longest night of Aaron's life. In some ways it felt like the shortest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a dialogue heavy chapter. Takes place on the same night as the last one.

 

They stayed like that, Robert engulfing Aaron in his warm embrace, for a while. Aaron lightly ran his hands up and down Robert's arms as he surrendered to the feeling of being held. He had never been one for casual intimacy, not since he had been a small child. The last time he had been held by a man would have been his father, before he had traded cuddles for punches. Yet, there was something soothing about being held by Robert, the older man's big hands and firm grip making Aaron feel as though he was being held together. For a moment, Aaron almost felt loveable, as though someone was looking past all of the fragmented, broken pieces of him and was still managing to see something worth keeping.

 

"Vic cried and asked me not to go last night, when we were walking home." Robert murmured the words against Aaron's shoulder.

 

Aaron was silent for a moment, searching for the right words. "She loves you," was his eventual answer. "Nobody who loves you wants you to go."

 

"That's not true," Robert said sadly. "You heard my father that night."

 

Aaron remembered Jack Sugden's words callous and cold under the moonlight. He recalled Robert's face, pale and resigned. "Why does his good opinion of you matter more than anyone else's?" he asked.

 

Robert's answer was startling in its honesty. "Maybe because I don't have it."

 

Aaron had never particularly thought of himself as the type of man who longed for what he couldn't have. He had learned from an early age that you got what you were given in this life and you simply had to make the most out of it. He wasn't a dreamer, he was a realist. Yet, as he considered Robert's words he allowed himself the realisation that the two of them were more similar than he would ever have thought. Aaron dreamed of leaving Emmerdale far behind him because he would never have the option to do so. Aaron wanted Robert because he couldn't have him. Couldn't, shouldn't, what was the difference?

 

"Is that what this is, too?" Aaron asked quietly. "Me and you. Wanting what you can't have?"

 

Robert released Aaron from his arms and moved to stand beside him. Their bodies remained pressed against each other though, neither wanting to surrender the other's warmth. "Don't I already have you?" Robert replied with a small shrug.

 

"Only in secrecy, only at night." There was more than a little bitterness behind Aaron's words.

 

"Does that make it any less real?"

 

"It makes it more temporary."

 

"Aaron, we're at war. None of us are going to get forever." Later, his words would seem chilling in hindsight.

 

But for now, the river continued to flow and Aaron and Robert continued to stand side by side in the darkness.

 

***

 

Before the war, forever had never felt intangible to Aaron. It had felt more like a promise that Aaron wasn't particularly fond of. He had seen the rest of his life stretched out before him, with the same predictable days and nights spent in the same predictable places. He hadn't dreaded forever but then he hadn't especially looked forward to it with eager anticipation either. Now, even if Aaron got his forever, others would not. Robert might have his forever snatched away from him on some cold, unforgiving battlefield thousands of miles away.

 

He wanted to know everything about Robert, memorise every inch of him, just in case. Robert might be temporary but he would be treasured. Because it was their last night together - maybe for a while, maybe forever - Aaron found the courage to ask questions that he had never dared to ask before.

 

"What's your mother like?" Aaron said, turning his head to look at Robert. He was curious about the woman that the Sugden siblings had all referred to with fondness last night in the pub. Robert's eyes shone with affection when he talked about her, yet she seemed to be usurped by Jack's domineering presence.

 

Robert's lips turned upwards. "She's where Vic gets her goodness from," he smiled. "She never has a bad word to say about anybody. Confrontation makes her sick - a fatal flaw in my family." He let out a soft bark of laughter before continuing. "She still makes me a cup of cocoa when I'm feeling sad. She looks at my 'Da like he's the best thing she's ever seen."

 

"That must be hard for you," said Aaron, squeezing Robert's elbow in acknowledgement.

 

"She told me once that my father can't understand that different doesn't always mean bad. That he finds it difficult because I'm not like him. And then she said that I'm a good man like him, just in a different way. She promised me that one day he'll see that." Robert's voice cracked a little as he spoke.

 

"She sounds lovely." Aaron answered, meaning it. "And you are a good man." He added with certainty.

 

"Not all of the time," said Robert.

 

Aaron shrugged. "You're good enough."

 

When Robert kissed Aaron it felt like a thank you.

 

***

 

Later, they were sitting on the grassy embankment just above the bridge, their knees pulled up to their chests. In some ways it felt like the longest night of Aaron's life. In some ways it felt like the shortest.

 

"Aaron, what happened with your father?"

 

Because it was their last night together, Aaron answered. "My 'Da was a bully. He used to beat my 'Ma black and blue."

 

Once, Aaron had found his mother unconscious and bleeding from a head wound on the hard floor of their kitchen. Fear had washed over his entire body, icy and paralysing, so convinced had he been that she was dead. For the longest moment Aaron had lived in a world where he and Liv were left at the mercy of his cruel, acid tongued father. When her eyes had flickered open, coming to rest on Aaron's tear stained face, the relief had been unlike anything he had ever known.

 

"Why did he leave?" Robert's eyes never left Aaron's.

 

"It's a horrible story," mumbled Aaron, his eyes dropping momentarily.

 

Robert shrugged, still staring. "I never expected it to be a nice one." Aaron tried and failed to find the words to recount the jarring events of that one long ago night. "Did it have anything to do with what those little brats were saying to Liv before she fell into the river?" Robert pressed gently.

 

Aaron's eyes were sad as he found the courage to meet Robert's gaze again. "I never knew, until the night he left. I never knew that she wasn't my real sister. I mean, she still is, but not in the way I thought she was. My 'Ma won't say who her real father is, just kept saying he left the village years ago when I asked."

 

"Did your father find out?"

 

"She let it slip when they were arguing. Just blurted it out. They'd both been drinking. She knew as soon as she said it that she was as good as dead. You should have seen her face." Aaron took a deep breath, pulled at the loose skin around his nails. Robert reached forward gently, tangling their fingers together. He waited for Aaron to continue and his patient understanding gave Aaron the courage to continue. "He would have killed her, too. He was ranting and raving, calling Liv a disgusting, unnatural little rat. I remember being so scared that he would turn on her after. She was in the corner, watching. She was only a baby, still. She shouldn't have had to see that."

 

"Neither should you," Robert said vehemently.

 

Aaron shrugged, tears filling his eyes even as he tried desperately to blink them away. "I was older, it was my job to stop him. There was a coal shovel by the fireplace. I hit him over the head with it, nearly killed him. Nearly killed him, to stop him from killing her. When he woke up, he left. Said we weren't even worth it, said we deserved to live like the dirty little rats we were. Said my 'Ma was so useless we'd be dead by Christmas anyway. Said I was a traitorous lunatic that would get everything I deserved."

 

"Oh, Aaron." Robert simply squeezed the younger man's fingers, expressing what he couldn't find the words to say.

 

"Do you want to know what the worst part was?" Aaron spat out, his tone angry.

 

"What?" Robert swallowed hard.

 

"When they thought I'd killed him, my 'Ma and Liv both started crying, looking at me like I'd done something awful. 'Ma shouted at me, told me to look at what I'd done. He would have killed her, Robert. He might have killed Liv, too. And they were both still shedding tears over scum like him."

 

"You did the right thing, Aaron. You're the strongest person I know."

 

"I'm not," said Aaron, the tears falling freely now. "Some days I resent my mother. She married Gordon, gave me a monster for a father. She brought Liv into the whole sorry mess. She never once tried to protect us, just took all his beatings and let us watch. Now I'm stuck here, making us enough money to survive. Some days, I can't even look at her, Robert. What sort of person does that make me?"

 

"The type of person that sticks around anyway," Robert replied softly.

 

"I can't lose anything else, Robert." Aaron's voice was jagged, thick with unspent sobs. "I can't lose you. Not yet."

 

"Hey," Robert said, firmly. "You won't lose me."

 

"You're going to be gone for months."

 

"We'll write," Robert reassured him.

 

"It won't be the same."

 

"It'll be enough. Now shhh, I've got to go soon. Let's make the most of our last few minutes."

 

***

 

They kissed goodbye at the bridge, Aaron's fists clenched around the fabric of Robert's navy shirt. He clutched at the material as if it was a lifeline. The two of them were on their feet, arms tight around one another. Robert's lips moved around Aaron's gently but insistently. It was a kiss of reassurance, of remembrance.

 

When he pulled away, Robert rested his forehead against Aaron's. "Aaron," he whispered.

 

"Don't," Aaron replied quietly.

 

"Don't what?" Robert's forehead furrowed as he pulled away a little.

 

"Don't say goodbye. I can't stand it," Aaron admitted.

 

"What do you want me to say then?" Robert asked, his words strained.

 

"Anything else."

 

"Look after yourself, Aaron," he said, taking another step backwards.

 

He turned away from Aaron and began to walk. Aaron watched him go, feet rooted to the spot and feeling sick to the stomach. He didn't tell Robert that he loved him again, he didn't want it to be tied up in the pain of saying goodbye.

 

***

 

Aaron went home and pretended that everything was normal. At 6am when Robert would be boarding his train, Aaron ate porridge at the kitchen table, every mouthful feeling like a weight in his mouth. At 8am, when Robert would have been well into his journey, Aaron headed up to Butler's, feet heavy and heart heavier. At 2pm, when Robert would be reporting to his barracks, Aaron mended a fence on the periphery of the farm, as if it was important. As if it mattered.

 

Each day carried on in the same vein. It didn't get any easier for Aaron. It didn't get easier when he passed Victoria and Andy in the village, Victoria's easy laugh so similar to her brother's. It didn't get easier when Liv mentioned Robert in casual conversation, curious about his whereabouts. It didn't get easier when Aaron realised he was sat on the same seat in the pub as he had been that night the Sugden siblings had walked over to him and Adam. It never got any easier and after a while Aaron stopped expecting it to.

 

So he sat with his mother in front of the wireless and made small talk about the war as if he didn't submit every single word spoken to intense scrutiny. He went on walks with Liv and tried not to shudder when they passed the barn on the outskirts of the Sugden farm. He drank pints with Adam and tried not to feel guilty every time he laughed at his friend's antics.

 

He wondered how the war could be killing him when he wasn't even in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will feature the letters that Aaron and Robert send to each other.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's lifeline was beyond a doubt his letters to and from Robert.
> 
> The first one came a fortnight after Robert's departure, after that they came in a steady trickle. Aaron would trace his fingers over Robert's unruly handwriting, absorb each and every word as though it was the most important message every written.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on the assumption that Aaron and Robert would know there was a chance that someone would read their letters for censorship reasons. Hence, them both referring to Aaron as A.

 

A long time ago, Aaron had owned a dog called Clyde. He was large, slobbery and affectionate and Aaron had adored him beyond measure. Aaron used to allow him to roam the fields behind his house freely, certain that his loyal dog would always return to him eventually. The day that he had got himself in the way of a farmer's shotgun and subsequently bled out had been one of the worst days of Aaron's life. It had also been a blessing in disguise because it had brought Paddy Kirk, the local vet, into Aaron's life.

 

The fact that Aaron was capable of writing relatively decent letters could almost be solely attributed to Paddy Kirk and the way that he had taken preadolescent Aaron under his wing. Aaron had always known that he would have to leave the village school and start to earn his own living at fourteen because it was what happened to kids like him, from families like his. Most of the people he knew, including Adam, including his mother, went through life with just rudimentary writing and reading skills. Yet, Aaron had always liked school. He liked words especially, liked the way there was always one to express exactly how he was feeling. Anger, self loathing, bitterness, guilt, apathy. If there was a word to describe it, it meant that you weren't alone, that other people were seeping in these emotions too. He had left school at fourteen because he had to. However, Paddy had noticed Aaron's desire to learn more, know more, and had taken it upon himself to continue his education in his spare time. Aaron had been grateful at the time, grateful that someone had seen something in him that was worth more than mending fences and chasing sheep. Now he was beyond grateful because without Paddy, Aaron would have spent the end of 1914 without his lifeline, the thing that kept him afloat. Aaron's lifeline was beyond a doubt his letters to and from Robert.

 

The first one came a fortnight after Robert's departure, after that they came in a steady trickle. Aaron would trace his fingers over Robert's unruly handwriting, absorb each and every word as though it was the most important message ever written. In a way it was - it was proof that Robert was still breathing, still living. He may only have been in training but Aaron was all too aware that at any moment Robert could be shipped off to a warzone, a place of blood and nightmares. Without Robert's letters, Aaron didn't know how he would have coped.

 

_September 3rd 1914_

 

_Dear A,_

 

_I'm here and I'm settled. Well as settled as one can be in a place such as this. Training doesn't start properly until tomorrow. The bed's pretty uncomfortable but the food seems to be decent so I can't complain too much. I'll miss my mother's cooking though. It's funny how you can go four years without something with no problems at all, but then once you've had a little taste of it, it becomes unimaginable to live without it again. I guess that's sort of like me and you too. I miss you already. Some of the boys here told me that we'll get a few days home leave once training's finished, before we head to France. Nine weeks and I'll see you again._

 

_I'm sharing sleeping quarters with seven other men at the minute. They all seem decent enough, although the one opposite me seems very, very young. He looks and sounds younger than Vic. The thought of Victoria putting her life at risk at just eighteen doesn't bear thinking about. Sometimes I forget that you're only a year older than my sister. I was a stand out idiot at nineteen, running around and causing trouble, fighting with Andy, chasing after girls. I dug myself into such an enormous hole that I could see no other option but to run and not look back. And then there's you at just nineteen - looking after your family, raising your sister, being honest and good and just you. I've never met anyone like you before. My life might have been very different if I had._

 

_Keep an eye out for Vic for me, while I'm gone, please. I've not been in her life half as much as I should have been but I'm going to start being the type of brother than she deserves. To her and Andy._

 

_You know, at the train station, there were other men waiting for the train with their families who had come along to wave them off. There were men that leaned out of the windows and kissed their wives goodbye. They kissed and the earth didn't stop turning. We don't have that. We can't. This war's going to change things though. In the midst of one of his scolding's, my father said that I had managed to get myself caught up in something so big that I can't comprehend it. I didn't say it to him but I thought, I hope so. Maybe after the fighting, this world will be different, better. When things get difficult, I'll hold on to the idea of that world._

 

_Love,_

 

_Robert._

 

 

_September 7th 1914_

 

_Robert,_

 

_You're soft. I miss you too._

 

_Your father might be right - I'm sure he knows more about this sort of thing than I do. I can't imagine the world being any different. I've only ever lived here with small minded people with small minded ideas. I can't picture anything different. The thing is Rob, I don't really care about the state of the world if you're not in it. A better world won't be that much use to me if you're dead. Be careful._

 

_Don't worry about Victoria - she's stronger than she looks. Me and Liv crossed paths with her in the village yesterday and we walked her up to the farm with her groceries. Liv loves her, won't stop talking about her, wants her hair in a plait just like hers. It's kind of nice for her to have someone to look up to, I suppose. Vic's worried about you, too._

 

_You're a good person, too. You jumped into a river to save my little sister. You frightened her bullies so much that she says they daren't even look at her anymore (not that I'm condoning that or anything but thanks I guess). You came back to make things right with your family even though you knew it was going to be hard. You're fighting for your country. That's more than what I'm doing. I'm rubbish at saying these things to your face but just know that I feel them. And that I'm counting on you coming back to me, safe._

 

_Anyway, only you could join the army and not mention one word about the sort of stuff your doing. Come on, add a bit of excitement to my dreary life. The most exciting thing that happened here today was Liv getting caught drawing little cartoons of Mr. Thomas in the classroom (he does kind of look like an evil rabbit though doesn't he? Not that I'd give her the satisfaction of knowing that). She's certainly back to her old self._

 

_A_

_x_

 

_P.S - I don't regret living in this awful world for one minute because it brought you to me._

 

 

_September 20th 1914_

 

_A,_

 

_You can be pretty soft yourself. Thank you. I've never had somebody think I'm good before. It means a lot. You're doing your bit for the war effort up at Butler's. By the end of this war, crop stores are going to be essential. Anyway, you'd hate it here, you hate being told what to do. You and your sister are so similar it's scary._

 

_Speaking of your sister, I spat out my tea when I read about the evil rabbit cartoon. She's sharp that one - she's got a good future ahead of her. Either that or she'll end up jail (I'm joking). He really does look like a rabbit though with those teeth and ears of his. Tell her that I asked whether she's ever noticed that Mr. Harris looks like a weasel. I can imagine your expression right now, with a sort of half frown on your face and eyebrows raised slightly because you think I'm encouraging her misbehaviour. Lighten up a bit, you know it's funny. Laugh for me, I'd love to see your laugh more than anything._

 

_Training's long and hard. I love the running (I'm sure my father would have a field day with that one) and the weapons training but I hate the drills and the constant shouting. I got praised the other day for showing good leadership skills though. Still, I'd rather talk about you. It seems like a long time since I last saw you. Tell me everything that you're doing and I'll pretend I'm right there with you._

 

_Love,_

 

_Robert._

 

_P.S - You're right about this world being enough. You're more than enough. I'd choose you in any lifetime, no matter how difficult it makes things. Remember that. Is this a new thing - being soft in the postscripts? I kind of like it._

 

 

_September 27th 1914_

 

_Rob,_

 

_Having leadership skills sounds like code for saying you're good at bossing people around to me! That does not surprise me in the slightest. (I'm teasing, I'm proud of you). The village gossip of the week is that Pete Barton's enlisted so you might end up seeing a familiar face soon enough._

 

_I saw Adam with Victoria in the village today. They looked happy together. It seems silly that something as stupid as a lack of money should stop two people from being together, doesn't it? Maybe in this better world you were talking about, things will work out for them too. I hope so, Adam's a good friend and he's one of the most loyal people I've ever met. The war's brought our family a bit of luck this week, actually. The Whites are apparently having a tough time of it up on Home Farm with Lachlan away to fight. Mrs. White is worried sick apparently and completely neglecting the housekeeping . So they've ask my Ma to do extra hours so she can cut back on the ironing for a little while. She looks happier than I've seen her in a while._

 

_I've been up at Butler's a lot - might as well work hard while I'm free of distractions. I'd forgotten what it's like to have a little bit of money to spare. Not that there's much to spend it on here. I took Liv fishing with me and Adam at the weekend - Adam's father has an old rod. She was pretty rubbish, wouldn't let us kill the fish that we caught anyway. It was nice to get away from the village for a little while though._

 

_Did you know that next week it'll be two months since we first met? Do you ever think about how different things would be if you had never been forced into chaperoning Vic that night? I've never particularly thought of myself as being lucky but when I think about that, I do._

 

_A_

_x_

 

_P.S - I'd choose you however, wherever._

 

 

_October 14th 1914_

 

_Dear A,_

 

_You have no idea how happy I was to receive Liv's cartoons. I'm glad she agreed with me about Mr. Harris and his passing resemblance to a weasel! Tell her she raised my spirits enormously after a tough week. People are starting to whisper about how many people are dying out there, in France. You're the only person I'll ever tell that I'm scared._

 

_It took 13 days for your last letter to get to me. Darn this stupid war postal system and how slow it is. It's causing me personal affront because it's stopping me from talking to you. I hope you weren't too worried by my slow reply. Know that I'm always thinking of you._

 

_Did you know that you're the only person other than my mother, Andy and Vic that has ever called me Rob? I love how it sounds when you say it, it sounds like you know me better than anyone else. How's it possible that you can make me have all of these feelings after just two months? I'm still frightened that I'm going to wake up and this will all have been a dream._

 

_I'm glad to hear about your mother and you managing to find a bit of extra money. Do you ever think about what could happen if there was a day when your mother was self sufficient enough to house and feed herself and Liv? Me and you could escape, make a new life ourselves. I know you've never been to London but I think you'd like it. We could go somewhere where no one knows us, where no one would bother to look at us for long enough to see the truth. We could be together and free. It's a nice dream, isn't it?_

 

_Bless Vic and her desire to attend such bizarre village functions! I don't think I ever told you how good you looked that night, did I? I'm not sure how I feel about your friend corrupting my little sister! You farm labourers are certainly a seductive lot. I just want Victoria to be happy. I'm sure you can guess that if my father gets wind of the two of them, he will not be happy though. You might want to warn Adam about that! It might be fun not to be the black sheep of the family for a while though._

 

_Love,_

 

_Robert_

 

_P.S - Sometimes I don't feel like you were even a choice. You were just there and I loved you from the start._

 

 

 

_October 2nd 1914_

 

_A,_

 

_Why haven't I heard from you? I'm worried. Was it something I said? Please write back._

 

_I love you._

 

_Robert_

 

 

 

_October 6th 1914_

 

_Robert,_

 

_I'm sorry. I read about London and what could be and it hurt because it won't ever happen. I can't leave them, Robert. A family of two is barely a family at all. We won't ever get that future. We're clinging on to something with no future, no possible resolution, no chance of survival. You talk about a better world but Emmerdale will never change. Maybe we could be us in London, but never in Emmerdale. And it hurts because I want us to have a chance so bad._

 

_Don't worry, I'm fine._

 

_A_

 

 

 

_October 13th 1914_

 

_A,_

 

_I don't care. I still choose you._

 

_Robert_

 

_P.S - I miss our soft postscripts._

 

 

 

_October 18th 1914_

 

_Robert,_

 

_I know._

 

_P.S - I love you too._

 

 

 

_October 25th 1914_

 

_A,_

 

_Good news and bad news. The good news is that I've been handpicked to progress straight to being an Officer. It must have been those leadership skills I told you about! The bad news is that it means three weeks have been added on to my training time. Another three weeks of being away from you._

 

_The man in the next bunk to me is due to go on home leave next week. He hasn't been able to stop talking about how excited he is to see his girl again. They're supposed to get married before he goes off to France. Today he got a letter from her saying that she's met somebody else while he has been here. It's not the first time it's happened to someone training with me either._

 

_Is Liv behaving? Keep me updated on her antics._

 

_Love,_

 

_Robert_

 

_P.S - When I see you, I don't how I'll hold it together. I'm tired to the bone, aching everywhere that it's possible to ache and all I can think about is you. I need you._

 

 

 

_October 31st 1914_

 

_Robert, I'm proud of you._

 

_I couldn't find somebody else even if I tried. I can't get you out of my head. Worry about keeping yourself alive, not about me. I'll be waiting for you when you get back. Always._

 

_Liv's been getting hair styling lessons from your sister. I never thought I'd see the day where Liv would be interested in looking ladylike. It's giving her something to focus on other than causing trouble anyway._

 

_Love, A_

 

_P.S - You don't need to hold yourself together for me. I love every part of you - the strong and the tired._


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a Tuesday, mid morning on a still December day, when he came back to the village, as quietly as he had left thirteen weeks prior. There was no fanfare or exuberant welcome party, just a small hitch in Aaron's breath as he took in the familiar, lanky form regarding him from across the field. The world shrunk to just Robert, his face a little more drawn than normal and a large tan bag slung over his shoulder, and Aaron, with mud on his boots and swelling in his chest, with only a fence left between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry this took so long, I'll try to be better.

 

_Robert, Robert, Robert._

 

Sometimes Aaron thought that if he cut open his veins, Robert's name would bleed out of them, steadfast as a river. Like the river that Robert had almost let swallow him up, for Aaron and Aaron's sister. Like the river they had kissed by, fucked by, whispered their secrets by. Like the river Aaron had not been able to venture to since Robert had left him there three months ago. It was no longer Aaron's haven, it was a place of magic, a place for him and Robert. There was no magic without Robert so Aaron stayed in the village.

 

Time seemed to stand still in Emmerdale during those long cold months at the end of 1914. There was no escape for Aaron, not this time. Just a prayer on his lips and in his head and every time he closed his eyes.

 

_Robert, Robert, Robert._

 

***

 

It was a Tuesday, mid morning on a still December day, when he came back to the village, as quietly as he had left thirteen weeks prior. There was no fanfare or exuberant welcome party, just a small hitch in Aaron's breath as he took in the familiar, lanky form regarding him from across the field. The world shrunk to just Robert, his face a little more drawn than normal and a large tan bag slung over his shoulder, and Aaron, with mud on his boots and swelling in his chest, with only a fence left between them.

 

It was icy cold out on the fields and Aaron had been left to brave the less than ideal conditions alone while the more fortunate workers mucked out the cow barns down the lane. At 6am, when Aaron had still been dreaming of his bed and rubbing sleep out of his eyes, Aaron had cursed under his breath at his bad luck when the daily tasks had been allocated. Solo field work was boring, tiring and left him with far too much time to wade through his own thoughts. Now, as he stared at Robert, he felt blessed. He would take numb fingertips and aching knees everyday for the rest of his life just to win this one moment alone with Robert.

 

He threw down his tools and moved towards Robert, who had never taken his eyes off him the entire time. Before he knew it, he was reaching for Robert across the fence, pulling him into an embrace. The fence, up to his chest as it was, prevented him from getting as close to the other man as he wanted and Aaron growled in frustration.

 

"Come over here," Robert chuckled and Aaron felt beyond a doubt that it had been far too long since he had heard that particular sound.

 

He needed no further invitation to scramble over the fence with all the grace of a new-born deer and fall into Robert's arms. They hugged as though they were making up for the months they had been apart: legs tangled, heads buried in shoulders and arms grasping at each other's clothes for purchase. Aaron could feel that one of their bodies was shaking and he found it impossible to identify whether it was himself or Robert. He also decided that he didn't really care.

 

"You're cold." Robert pulled away from Aaron's embrace, but left his big palm on Aaron's forearm.

 

"Perks of working outdoors." Aaron shrugged off his concern. He scanned Robert's face, noted the dark circles beneath his eyes. "You're tired."

 

"Sleeping's not top on the list of my priorities right now." Robert's eyes were intense, scrutinising every inch of Aaron. "I've got more interesting things to be doing." He moved out a hand to pull Aaron in by his waist. Reluctantly, Aaron took a step back and shook his head.

 

"Your barn. Tonight, 8pm," he said instead, already imagining how the hours would drag until then.

 

Knowing that he would never be able to summon the will to walk away if he lingered for a moment longer, Aaron turned and pulled himself back over the fence, back to the bare fields. He threw a glance over his shoulder once safely over the other side. "Rob... I've really missed you."

 

Robert smiled, his eyes softening. "You can show me just how much later." Aaron still felt his eyes on his back long after he had returned to his tools.

 

***

 

The dinner table in the Livesy household was a happier place than it had been for months that evening. Liv had scored the highest in her class on a spelling test and as a result was all flushed cheeks, bright eyes and high pitched chatter. Aaron revelled in seeing his sibling's rare display of unbridled joy and laughed and joked along with her. His sister was happy and he was mere hours away from uninterrupted time with Robert. All was well, for now. His mother watched them both with a smile on her lips.

 

"I saw Mrs. Barton today," she said, once there was a lull in the chatter. "Oh, is she well?" Aaron was fond of Adam's feisty, warm hearted mother.

 

"She's well enough, as well as any of us are these days. She's decided that it's time to find a husband for Holly," his mother replied, her eyes fixed on Aaron's face.

 

Holly Barton was a year younger than Aaron and had been a fixture in Aaron's life for as long as he could remember. When he thought of Holly, his mind went to long, lazy summer afternoons behind the Barton's cottage with Adam and his two sisters, running around until they fell flat on the grass from exhaustion. As the years had passed by, Holly had turned into a beautiful young woman with long blonde hair and a wicked grin.

 

"She'll make someone very happy," Aaron shrugged.

 

"I asked Moira how she would feel about you marrying Holly," his mother said softly.

 

"Mother!" Aaron felt the tell tale signs of panic rising in his throat.

 

"She was very open to the idea," she refused to be deterred.

 

"Can I be bridesmaid?" Liv chirped up, a grin on her face.

 

Aaron stormed out of the room without even mustering up a reply, slamming the front door behind him.

 

***

 

He was halfway down the street when his mother caught up to him, out of breath and her expression pleading. Aaron was too angry to even look at her properly but she caught hold of his arm and pulled him to a gentle stop anyway.

 

"I know you're angry Aaron but Holly's a lovely girl. You would be very happy together," she reasoned with him, keeping a grip on his arm.

 

"What gives you the right to get involved in my business?" Aaron snapped, refusing to be placated.

 

"I'm your mother!" She argued, raising her voice a little.

 

"This is never going to happen," Aaron retorted, his own voice low but fierce.

 

Aaron moved out of her grip but his mother spoke again, bringing him to a pause. "Aaron, listen to me," she begged. "It won't be long before they need more men to fight and you'll be called up. I couldn't bear you dying. If you are a married man with a wife, there is less chance of you being made to go. Please son, think about it."

 

"I don't love Holly, Ma," Aaron answered, quieter.

 

"It would be the best thing for you to love someone like Holly, Aaron."

 

***

 

He arrived at the barn an hour early and sat down on the hard ground, his back resting against a hay bale and his knees pulled up to his chest. His earlier happiness and excitement had turned into an overwhelming sense of weariness. Aaron was tired of having no choice other than to hide who he really was, what he really felt, who he really loved. In a lot of ways it would be so much simpler if he could love Holly Barton - she was beautiful, she was exciting in her unpredictability and she had a big heart. It would be easy to make her his wife, like agreeing to spend his life with one of his best friends. Yet, he could not even bring himself to want to love Holly. When Aaron thought about love, he thought about Robert's green eyes, Robert's tight embraces, Robert's soft kisses, Robert's body moving against his own. He thought about confessing things he would never dare voice to anybody else and finding only acceptance and understanding. He thought about missing somebody so much that it felt like you were trapped in a permanent state of half reality.

 

His mind drifted to Robert's imagined better world where there might not be so much need for pretending. Aaron wasn't sure whether he believed in it but he desperately wanted to. He wasn't sure whether he was strong enough to survive the world he was currently trying to make sense of.

 

So Aaron sat in the barn and let himself feel all of his all consuming love for Robert, knowing that he wasn't allowed to love him at all.

 

***

 

In the end it was the raised voices that pulled Aaron out of his stupor. They were far off but unmistakeably angry and one of them was Robert's. Aaron was hit by a strong sense of familiarity, as he remembered another night when he had accidentally overheard Robert and his father's verbal sparring. This time other voices were in the mix too, a symphony of chaotic yelling and loud protests. Aaron opened the barn door and moved outside, hoping faintly that nobody would notice him sneaking out of a private barn. The entire Sugden family were gathered around their front door, with Robert and his father a little way apart from the other figures, the majority of the noise originating from the two of them. Andy had his arms wrapped around Victoria, who was crying.

 

"This is not my fault, it's Andy's choice, father!" Aaron heard Robert yelling.

 

"This is entirely your fault!" Jack shouted back, his voice gruff with anger. "You're taking my son away and probably my farm with it!"

 

Aaron kicked at the ground nervously, unsure of whether he should go over and intervene. But how would he explain being on Sugden land? And besides what would he say? He stared at Robert's distant form, able to see even from a distance that he was hunched over and defensive. He watched as Jack grabbed his son by the shoulders, shaking him, causing Sarah Sugden to cry out in protest, making his mind up for him. He began to make his way over to the family, as more shouting broke out.

 

"It's always about you and what you'll lose isn't it, father?" Robert tried to break out of his father's grip but was held steadfast.

 

"I've spent years building up this farm and for what?" Jack continued to rant. "For my two sons to pack up without so much as a second thought and go off on some sort of wild adventure!"

 

"I'm fighting for my country, not going on a jolly up!"

 

"You're pathetic!" Jack gave his son another shake and Aaron increased his pace.

 

He saw Victoria notice his arrival on the scene, before her attention was pulled back to her two rowing family members.

 

"Fancy yourself some sort of big hero, do you son? Well I've got news for you, you'll never be anything more than a snivelling coward, who doesn't stick around for anyone or anything!"

 

Robert pushed away from Jack again, this time managing to escape his father's clutches. He took a step back and looked at Jack with venom in his eyes. "You're the coward, not me," he hissed. "You don't stay on this farm because you've spent so much time building it up. You stay on this farm because you're too scared and set in your ways to do anything else. Just stay here, father, hiding behind your cows and crops, and let the better men do the fighting for you!"

 

Robert was on the ground, clutching at his bloodied nose, before Aaron processed what was happening. Sarah ran forward, grabbing at her husband's arm, just as Aaron darted to Robert's side. He pulled Robert to his feet and started to drag him away from the Sugden's house.

 

"Aaron?" Robert's voice was muffled due to the hand clutching his nose. "What are you doing here?"

 

"Heard the shouting," Aaron muttered. "Come on, let's get out of here."

 

Robert allowed Aaron to guide him towards the lane by his forearm, his balance unsteady. Jack and Sarah were shouting at one another now, Jack's arms wildly gesturing and Sarah's voice shrill.

 

"Robert!" Victoria cried out from behind them.

 

"It's okay, Vic," Robert slurred as Aaron moved him further away from the chaos.

 

***

 

They didn't talk much as they moved down into the village, Aaron's arm remaining a comforting presence on Robert's. For his part, Aaron was full of regret that he had not managed to intervene in the argument before Robert had ended up on the ground, injured. He didn't know how to explain the sinking in his heart as Jack's fist had connected with Robert's nose. A bloodied nose was nothing compared to the injuries Robert could sustain on a battlefield and Aaron wouldn't be around to protect him then.

 

"Where are we going?" Robert asked as they neared Aaron's house.

 

"You can stay at my house," Aaron said.

 

"Aaron, we can't," Robert protested. "How will you explain that?"

 

"Let me sort it," Aaron said, "Let me look after you." It was enough to quieten Robert's concern.

 

Aaron's mother was on the rocking chair when they came through the door, with Liv at her feet, as she braided her hair. The fire was lit and the two of them looked the picture of domesticity.

 

"Robert!" Liv jumped up once she saw that her brother was not alone. She ran to the two men and hugged Robert without hesitation, her head only coming up to his chest. Robert let out a little laugh and squeezed her shoulder.

 

Aaron saw his mother's shocked expression, as she looked at her son's unexpected guest in complete and utter confusion. "Who's this, Aaron?" she asked, looking at her son for answers.

 

"Robert is Aaron's friend." Liv answered for him, standing excitedly by the two men's sides. Aaron felt a rush of affection for her and leaned down to squeeze her shoulder. "You're bleeding. Did you get that when you were away fighting?" she added, noticing Robert's nose.

 

"I got into a fight with a bear," Robert teased her, smiling.

 

"There are no bears here," Liv rolled her eyes at him.

 

"There are in France. Huge big, grizzly bears," Robert smirked.

 

"You're dumb," Liv giggled.

 

Robert pulled at Liv's half done braid, causing her to squeal and move away from him. "You're boring."

 

Aaron laughed at their antics, slightly surprised by their easy camaraderie. "Robert needs somewhere to stay tonight, so he can sleep on my floor. I'll get the spare quilts out of the cupboard under the stairs. Liv, will you take Robert up to my room and I'll be right behind you both." Liv nodded eagerly and the two of them disappeared up the staircase, laughing and jostling each other.

 

"Aaron," his mother's tone was chastising.

 

"I pay the rent for this place, Ma. He's got nowhere to go and he's staying. I'm not asking for permission," Aaron told her firmly.

 

"You need to think about what you're doing. People will talk." Her voice was almost a whisper.

 

"Let them talk, he's my friend and he needs me," Aaron snapped, moving for the stairs.

 

His mother did not argue the point. Whether it was because she believed him or because she simply wanted to believe him, Aaron didn't really care either way.

 

***

 

Later, when Liv had finally settled in bed, Aaron finally dared to broach the subject of what had happened up at the Sugden farm. Robert's nose had finally stopped bleeding but Aaron could already tell that his eye would be bruised in the morning. Aaron was an expert on black eyes, after all they had been one of Gordon's most commonly inflicted injuries. Robert was sat on Aaron's bed, his back against the headboard and Aaron was on the chair in the corner of his room. They'd spent hours playing with Liv and making up silly stories for her. It had reminded Aaron of how isolated his sister was and how little time she spent with anybody outside of her immediate family.

 

"What were you arguing about? With your Da?" Aaron asked quietly, aware of his mother's presence in her room across the hallway.

 

"Andy's enlisted," Robert said simply. "It's all my fault, of course."

 

"Was that the first time he's hit you?" Aaron pressed, full of concern.

 

"Aaron, let's not talk about this, not tonight," Robert pleaded, his eyes sad. "It's our first night back together."

 

Robert held his arms out to Aaron and Aaron relented, unable to resist. He stood up and moved over to where Robert was sitting on the bed, sitting between Robert's open knees. Aaron lifted his index finger and gently traced the outline of Robert's eye and bruised nose. "I don't like to see you hurt," he confessed, letting himself be vulnerable.

 

Robert closed his eyes at Aaron's touch. "You're making it better, right now," he murmured.

 

Aaron leaned forward and pressed his lips to Robert's nose. "I should have got there sooner."

 

Robert opened his eyes and looked at Aaron. "You can't save me from everything."

 

"I can try," promised Aaron fiercely.

 

Aaron captured Robert's lips with his own, soft and gentle but with the promise of more to come. Robert moved down the bed, lying down and pulling Aaron on top of him. Aaron moved to kiss Robert again but pulled back when Robert yawned.

 

"You're tired," he said. "Let's get some sleep."

 

"But I've missed touching you," Robert grumbled, moving his hands up to cup Aaron's bottom.

 

"We've got all the time in the world for that." Aaron pressed his lips to Robert's neck but refused to budge.

 

"Well we've got five days," Robert retorted a little sadly.

 

Aaron refused to let the truth blacken the sweetness of their, however short lived, reunion. "It's enough," he said.

 

Aaron moved off the bed and pulled off his shirt and trousers, leaving him only in his underpants. Robert pushed himself to his feet, copying Aaron's actions. When he was finished, he stood in the middle of the room, looking a little uncertain. Aaron pulled back his quilt and climbed into bed, shuffling as close to the wall as was possible.

 

"Come on then," he said, looking at Robert expectantly.

 

It was all the encouragement Robert needed to lie down beside the other man, dragging the covers up around them both. Aaron moved his head so that it was resting on Robert's bare chest and tangled their legs together.

 

"My Ma wants me to marry Holly Barton," Aaron whispered against Robert's chest. It was easier to say hard truths when he wasn't looking into Robert's eyes. "She says it will buy me time before I get called up."

 

Robert sighed in the darkness. "We always knew this couldn't be forever, Aaron."

 

Aaron sought out Robert's hand and held it tightly in his own. "No one's taking you away from me," he said fervently.

 

"I don't want to go anywhere," Robert promised, kissing the top of Aaron's head. "It's all so messed up."

 

"This is how it should be," Aaron murmured, thinking about how right it felt to start to drift off to sleep in the arms of the other man.

 

"Maybe one day," Robert whispered.

 

They fell asleep curled around each other just like they were any one of the other dozens of lovers in the village.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Tazza1993 on tumblr, feel free to follow.


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